


Feel for You

by Scriitor_Neautorizat



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Blood, Canon-Typical Violence, Gore, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Vomit, also some bitter-sweet fluff at the end, and lots of angst, injuries, levi cries and smiles, mature content, medical talk about amputation and injuries, tw: I will refer to Hange as She
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-07-13 12:07:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 31,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16017602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scriitor_Neautorizat/pseuds/Scriitor_Neautorizat
Summary: A canon-compliant fic about the one week after Erwin got injured and his painful recovery process with Levi by his side and the emotional toll it takes on the latter having to see his Commander struggle.The fic is complete. I just have to split it into chapters (hence not knowing for sure how many there will be). Will try to update twice a week.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First SnK fanfiction and I hope you will enjoy it. I have fanart (should it be called fanart if you are the one drawing it though?) for this story and I will leave notes before every chapter with the respective link from deviantart if you want to check it out.
> 
> New to ao3. I used to post on fanfiction.net so bear with me please.
> 
> And let me know...what do you think?

_Hold on to me love_  
_You know I can’t stay long_  
_All I wanted to say was_  
_I love you and I’m not afraid_  
_Can you hear me?_  
_Can you feel me in your arms?_

 

He felt a sudden jolt in his heart that made his hand that was holding a cup of hot tea tremor. Drops of tea splashed on the saucer and he had to actively steady his hand. He blinked fast a few times, trying to understand what had gotten into him.

He looked behind him at the crowd of people, all gathered in that shelter room, but no one paid him any mind. They were still feverously talking about the exciting new mission the Survey Corps had set out for a few hours prior. Mission which, for the first time, he would not take partake.

He took a sip of tea and decided to sit down. The jolt he felt a few moments ago still lingered with him. A strange chill then traveled down his spine, sending a pang of pain to his injured foot. He winced.

He took another sip of tea and his mind wandered off to Erwin. His heart fluttered, as it always did when he thought of him, but this time, a heavier feeling pressed him. What was wrong with him suddenly? Was he just getting old…?

***  
“Captain Levi!”

Levi turned around to face the man that just burst through the doors of the shelter. He recognized him as one of the members of the Survey Corps. But from the moment he saw the look on the man’s face, he understood what the man was about to say.  
His breath got stuck in his throat.

“…it’s the Commander.”

The dread spread like ink in his body. However, a stronger force took control over him the very next second.

“Where is he?” he asked taking his (Erwin’s) coat from a chair and ignoring the painful signals his foot sent him, he swiftly walked to the messenger ready to face…No. He would not think of that yet. He had to see it with his own eyes, then would he be able to react.

***  
The frantic horse ride to the military hospital was a blur. Levi felt like someone else was coordinating his every move, as his mind had just one thought: _Erwin is injured. Erwin is injured…_

But…he made it to the walls…This could only mean that it wasn’t that bad…The messenger couldn’t or wouldn’t give him more details other than Erwin got injured in battle, that he had been taken to the Trost military hospital and that Levi should come urgently.

Did Erwin himself ask for him to come? He couldn’t have been that badly injured if he made it back to the walls and he could still talk…

But the pressure he felt in his chest didn’t let him relax.

He made his way through the hallways of the hospital. It was a one story building meant to receive emergencies and then dispatch to convalescence houses, if possible. Meaning that many of the injured soldiers were either further hacked up by the “doctors” or declared dead there.

The smell of death and pus was everywhere. Injured soldiers were crying and screaming in the operating rooms or on the hallways. Anguished pleas filled every corner of the building.

Levi blindly made it through to a far off room that already had a crowd of people loitering at the door, curious to see if the all mighty Commander that sent so many of them to their deaths would kick the bucket as well.

“Get out of the way!” Levi growled, pushing some bystanders harder than he intended. Most of the curious soldiers turned their gaunt faces to look at him push people aside. Some sneered, as whispers spread between them.

A nurse rushed from inside the room and met Levi just as he was about to walk inside.

“Only authorized personnel in here!” she said pushing her hands on Levi’s chest to stop him from advancing, but Levi was way stronger than her and almost ran her over.

“I have to see him! I have to…stop pushing me away!” he shouted at the poor nurse. She was as tall as he was and he tried looking over her shoulder inside the room, to where another group of doctors were standing. He could see Erwin’s feet hanging a little over the operating table. He wasn’t stirring.

The sinking feeling he had since he first heard the news just grew stronger. Dread was creeping in his joints, making him tremble uncontrollably.

“What is wrong with him? What happened to him? Why won’t you people just–”

“Let him through, nurse…” one of the doctors said sternly. The nurse pursed her lips and stepped aside to let Levi walk inside. She also shooed away the rest of the gawking soldiers outside.

Levi stumbled into the operating room and slowly made his way to the table where they laid Erwin’s…Erwin. Where they laid Erwin.

“A titan bit off his arm,” the doctor who spoke earlier informed him.

Levi’s eyes shot down straight to the gaping red wound. They had cut Erwin out of his shirt and another doctor was in the process of examining the wound, pricking and prodding, to which Erwin didn’t even react. He was so pale…

For the third time that day, Levi felt his knees about to give out.He searched for signs of breathing…he could see Erwin's chest barely rise and fall…

“It’s amazing to think that a titan chomped right through like this”, the prodding doctor said, still jabbing away at the raw flesh, making Levi want to grab those tweezers he was holding and shove them in his eye. “The wound is clean-cut.”

“We can start closing it up.” said the doctor who allowed Levi in . “The Commander will live to see another day.” He turned to Levi. “You will have to wait in the hall now, Captain. It will get…ugly.”

“Uglier than this?” Levi said in a low voice, not looking away from Erwin’s ghostly pale face. But the doctors already closed in the gap through which they’d let Levi in. It was as if he was a nobody. Especially this time when he didn’t participate in this outside mission.  You miss out on one mission and people already treat you differently.The doctors also seemed to share the rest of the people’s opinions on the Survey Corps’ recent lack of results. They were regarded as money-grabbing phoneys that just sent people (especially the young and naïve) to their horrible deaths outside the walls.

As he stood there behind the doctors, Levi tried to come out of his daze. He knew he had to react fast to this sudden turn of events. But usually…it was Erwin who thought things through. He was the one to give the orders, orders that were extremely well thought through. No one was able to come up with such plans like Erwin.

_What do I do?_

The nurse moved around the room and gathered a tray of surgical instruments and brought it to Erwin’s table. One of the doctors took a sharp scalpel and examined it for a moment, before he brought it down to a burning flame. He was sterilizing it. Levi quickly scanned the rest of the people gathered around the Commander. If these were the “doctors” (butchers by the looks of it) they were absolutely filthy! They weren’t wearing any masks or gloves, some blood soaked towels were scattered on the floor along with Erwin’s thorn clothes…so unsanitary.

“Hey…hey, you…this is the Commander of the Survey Corps you’re dealing with…” Levi said, but his voice was just a growl that everyone ignored. The annoying nurse came back to him and she was about to tell him off, when a terrible scream of anguish filled the room. It seemed that Erwin awoke just in time to feel the heated instruments protrude his stump. Levi felt the blood drain from his body. The terrible terrible scream…the pain Erwin felt transferred onto him and made his heart ache.

His instincts told him to go to Erwin and help, as two other doctors had to push down on the Commander with all the force they could muster to keep him from getting off the table. But Levi found himself being pushed back again by the same stern nurse, just that this time he didn’t resist. He let her push him back, away from Erwin…farther…and farther.

“Erwin! Stay strong…” he shouted, wondering if the Commander heard him at all over the screams of pain. Levi wanted him to know that he wasn’t alone. That he had been there, even for a moment,and even though he couldn't help...

“We will let you know where we’re going to move him once it’s done,” the nurse said, this time her voice low and reassuring, as she would do if Levi were a family member who had someone deadly injured. Levi barely registered what she said and by the time he was coming back to his senses, the door to the operating room had been closed in his face, leaving him alone with the gawking soldiers. It was eerily quiet for a moment, Levi feeling all the eyes burning on him, until Erwin’s screams filled the corridor once more, but this time a little more muffled. Someone must have shoved something in his mouth to bite down on as they "tortured"him some more.

“I don’t even know why we bothered so much…” one morose Police soldier said quietly. Some shushed him quickly, side-eyeing Levi at the same time.

The Captain stared at the closed door before him and could not think of anything. Nothing! He knew he had to act right away, his fingers we tingling with a feeling to do _something,_   but he just couldn’t gather his thoughts. His heart hurt…he needed to be there with Erwin.

But that couldn’t have been the right thing to do. Erwin would not have liked to waste time like that…he had to act…he had to act…he had to act!

Then the thoughts just came in buzzing all at once. Frantically switching from one idea to another, Levi felt his insides churn.

He turned on his heels suddenly and walked away, leaving the gawking soldiers stare at him, leaving Erwin cry out in pain, leaving that suffocating atmosphere... Air! Air! Air! He needed air! He ran outside of the building, his foot shooting him with painful jabs and stopped only when he was close to the hospital’s fence, away from the people that might see him. He grabbed the fence with both hands and hung himself low, all the while gasping for air. He closed his eyes and panted, thinking that he was going to throw up…what though, he didn’t know.

His hands were trembling again. The pressure still didn’t leave his chest. He had to clear his mind. He had to calm down in order to focus on the task ahead.

Levi tried to take deeper more regulated breaths. _Think…_

_Erwin is incapacitated._

The next in line to take control would be Mike. But he hadn’t seen Mike earlier today when the troops regrouped in Trost…oh, god…what if...No, focus! After Mike, Hange would be Commander. Hange had been transported to the hospital as well due to the burns she suffered when the Colossal Titan appeared. He knew she must be okay.

Good. He would have to find Hange. But if the mission was complete, then…did they save Eren? He missed the most important part of the mission: the outcome! He knew that Erwin would rather die himself than hand Eren over to the enemy. They must have retaken him. Since he didn’t go in this mission, he missed the Survey Corps regrouping. They would have had to get back over the wall at Trost most likely…

_What is the mission right now?_

_We’ve retaken Eren from the hands of the enemy and now we have to make sure that he is safe._

_They have to keep Eren safe. He is an important asset to their fight and victory._

He had to find the kids that were with Eren and make sure they were okay. But he couldn’t let go of that fence…how could he just let Erwin struggle there, all alone in that butchery of a hospital?! What if something happened to Erwin while he was looking for the kids? He would never forgive himself if he just let Erwin die by the hands of these doctors. He had to be here…with him. Until the bitter end! He had to, he had to, he had–

_You’re letting your emotions get the better of you._

His hands stopped shaking. He managed to lift his head and look up, straight ahead. He took a deep breath in and let it out slowly.

He had to find Eren and the rest. Then go to Hange. Then return to Erwin.

“I will return to you, Erwin. I promise. Just wait a little bit longer…”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this chapter is relatively short, I will post it now. I've decided to update on Mondays and Thursdays, today being an exception. Thank you very much to those who read the first chapter, left kudos and bookmarked. Every single one of them was appreciated :D

 

* * *

 

 

It had been fairly easy to find the kids. Given that just a few hours had passed since they returned inside Wall Rose, they were taken into the temporary custody of the Garrison. Many of the kids were sleeping by the time he got there. He was brought up to date with everything that happened by that blond boy that was always around Eren and that gloomy girl. This way he found out about the outcome of the mission and the new discovery of Eren’s ability to sick the titans on the Armored one.

This kid, Armin, was talking very fast while also writing down his report of the mission. Levi was stunned by everything that transpired, but his mind was still not fully focused on what the kid was saying. He was distracted…

The Garrison soldiers also brought him up to date with Hange’s whereabouts and the decreased number of people that returned. Levi sensed that they were reproaching yet another suicidal mission inside enemy territory, all for a brat that did not have the power to reassure them of a great future ahead.

Levi didn’t want to have to deal with this though. Not now. He knew that he would be brash in those moments of general uneasiness. He had to get to Hange as soon as possible. This Armin kid would wow her with his mission report and they would probably come up with some sort of plan of action together. As Erwin would.

He gritted his teeth. Erwin was not dead, damnit! Future plans of action would have to be decided by him, not some snotty brat. Deciding against his irritated feelings, Levi woke up seven of the kids that were in fact Survey Corps fresh recruits. They came from the same training group, they banded together before, so he knew he had to keep them together now as well.

They would fall under his jurisdiction from now on. He apologized to them for making them wake up, but they had to get a move on. Having recaptured Eren from the enemy did not mean that the interior higher-ups would not be hunting to get their hands on him again. The sun was barely rising when the half sleeping new Levi Squad members arrived to the convalescence house where they had transported Hange.

Barging into the impromptu hospital with a group of ten people did not sit well with the people in charge there. However, given the gravity of the situation, Levi had to pull rank on them and thus managed to reach out to Hange. She was still a bit groggy, having been sedated to sleep through the night (Moblit begged the nurses to do this, as, if it were up to Hange to decide, she would be marching outside the wall by foot to catch up with the troops), but after seeing Armin and the gang gathered around her bed, she immediately started bombarding them with questions about the mission and about the new titan shifting enemies.

Again Levi felt like he was close to losing his temper, as no one, not even Hange seemed to care about the fate of their Commander. He could feel the heaviness settle in his chest again and he knew he had to abandon this group as soon as possible to go check on him. 

“Hange, this is my new squad. I have taken the liberty of gathering the new members myself, given the situation we are in…” he spoke, cutting off one of Jean’s rants about betrayal. “But right now, I have to ask you to please look after them. I know you are injured yourself and you can’t do much physically, but I just…have to be somewhere else right now…”

Hange looked at him, quickly taking in everything about him: his tone of voice, which seemed to have just a tinge of despair in it (only a close connoisseur like Hange could tell the difference), his more than usual gaunt face and the strange glint in his eyes. It seemed to dawn on her that Levi came to her first and entrust her with his squad for a reason…a grim reason that she was not ready to take into consideration…not yet.

“Do what you have to do.” she told Levi in a demanding voice.

Levi gave Eren and the rest one last look before he set off once again.

His foot was killing him now, but it was nothing compared to the dread he felt having to return to that military hospital. Just like before, he tried not to imagine any scenarios until he got there. That was something that differentiated him from Erwin. Erwin liked to be prepared for the worst at all times.

But this time he didn’t want to face the worst.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gah, I can't wait until Monday to post, especially since the fic is done. No fanart for this yet. Thank you so so much to those who left kudos, bookmarked and even left comments! I never expected comments :)) 
> 
> The fic gets better from here on, I promise. And by better, I mean gloomier. Enjoy!

* * *

 

 

 _“Don’t despair”_ was Levi’s mantra as he rode off once again. The sun continued to rise up on the sky, bringing the heat of the summer along with it. Levi felt sorry for his horse, as it had been riding on and off since last night.

 _“Don’t despair”_ he told himself when he arrived at the military hospital only to be told that the Commander had indeed been moved to a recovery house on the other side of Trost. He felt irritated having to ride along without the Wings of Freedom banner on his back,  because without them, people did not seem to recognize him and thus, did not bother too much to get out of his way. On the other hand however, he had to ride without any Survey Corps markings to not rise any suspicion. People were in disarray anyway, due to the rumor that they might close the gate to Wall Rose due to it not being cleared off officially for being Titan-free.

“Don’t despair” he told himself through gritted teeth as he got off his horse and marched towards the recovery house. The nurses there were stricter than the ones at the military hospital. He finally lost his temper with one of them that did not want to let him see his Commander, because the visiting hours were over. Luckily, some Garrison soldiers had been dispatched there by the command of Pixis to guard Erwin. They walked Levi to the room where they kept him.

“I’m not sure they’re done in there yet, though…” one of them said shyly, but Levi already grabbed the doorknob and walked right in.

One bed. A dresser. Two chairs. And a small bedside table. And in the middle of the bed lay Erwin.

Levi’s eyebrows furrowed as a wave of… _pity_ washed over him. There he was…a great man like Erwin, held down, buried under 2 or 3 white blankets, his eyes closed and his complexion as pale as ever.

The infirmary nurse had turned to Levi, surprised that they let someone through, even more so to see that it was the Captain of the Survey Corps standing there in civilian clothes.

She pulled herself together. “I am sorry Captain Levi, but visiting hours are over right now, you will have to wait–”

As she spoke, Levi walked right past her, as if she had been invisible and went to the Commander’s left side of the bed. He just stared at the injured soldier’s face for a long while, like he was in a trance.

“Captain Levi…” the nurse tried again. She was a young lady, but who grew very fast in her job as a nurse and it was due to her merits that they had nominated her to look after the Commander of the Survey Corps. But she did not anticipate such a reaction from one of the Corps’ members. She didn’t want to be walked over, but seeing how miserable the Captain looked in those moments, she understood that the Captain had probably been worried for his higher-up, he not participating in this last mission this time around must have made him feel responsible for the Commander’s injury, she thought.

Poor man…she thought.

“They cleaned up the wound and sown it up nicely, Captain,” she said, trying another approach. “Right now, the Commander’s body is exhausted and he will need plenty of rest to recover after such a trauma. Also, there should be a period of extensive rehabilitation after he wakes up, both physical and mental, as the trauma of losing a limb–”

She stopped talking, as Levi seemed once again not to acknowledge that there was another person in the room. He slumped down on the chair that was on the left side of the bed and laid his forehead on the edge of the bed, his face now buried in the covers. His hands reached out and grasped the clump of blankets that were over Erwin’s remaining hand. He could feel the warmth emanating through the fabric.

“Thank goodness…” he whimpered in such a low voice that the nurse thought that he just sighed in relief.

The Captain seemed exhausted himself. The nurse allowed him to stay like that for a while, as she began stacking up some clean sheets and poured some fresh water in a bowl. She took a clean towel and dropped it in. She then moved it on the side table. She would have to come and clean up the wound in a few hours. Right now, she could leave the Commander rest. But seeing how the Captain was still there, in the same position she left him, she hesitated again.

“Um…Captain Levi….” she started quietly. “The Commander will be sleeping for the next few good hours…as it is, he won’t know anyone is here with him…”

She made two timid steps closer to where Levi was, but stopped again. The Captain’s back was rising and falling at a steady pace. His face was still pressed on the covers, while his thumbs ever so lightly stroked the blanket that was covering the Commander’s hand.

He was not going anywhere. Not anymore. He was right where he was supposed to be.

“I will come later to check on him,” the nurse said and quietly went to the adjacent room, leaving the Captain with his Commander.

***

Levi had fallen asleep holding Erwin’s hand. But his rest did not last long. He was woken up suddenly by a strange noise that reached him even in his dream.

He raised his head and saw that the light was changing outside the window. Brief as it seemed, he must have slept at least an hour and a bit. His neck and back muscles protested as he moved from the position he had fallen asleep in.

After blinking a few times to become aware of his whereabouts again, he noticed that there was still a ragged sound filling the room. He looked at Erwin and understood that the sound that woke him up was the Commander’s dry and irregular breaths. His forehead was covered in sweat, making his blond hair stick to his face. He seemed to have a fever.

Levi got up from his chair instantly. He saw the bowl of water on the side table. Inside there was a towel.

First, he took off the oversized coat that made him drench in sweat his shirt at the back and neatly hung it on the back of the chair. Then he unbuttoned his cuffs and carefully rolled his sleeves up to his elbows. He saw a sink in the corner of the room and went to wash his hands. The soap was coarse and odorless. He didn’t care. He scrubbed his hands, fingers and fingernails almost obsessively, then rinsed. Only then did he return to the bedside table, wrung the towel and slowly wiped Erwin’s forehead with it. He dipped it in the water again, wrung it and very gently touched Erwin’s face and neck with it. He must be burning up in there, under all those blankets. He hesitated for a moment. He didn’t know if it would be okay to take a layer or two off…He had to trust the nurse’s medical experience, but his instincts told him otherwise.

He carefully lowered the covers from Erwin’s chin down to his collarbones. He wasn’t wearing a shirt. Levi wiped his neck and exposed collarbones with the freshly dipped towel. After he wrung it again, he hesitated once more. Erwin’s jerky breaths were the same. His eyebrows were furrowed, looking like he was having a bad dream. Waking him up would probably cause more damage than good at this stage…but Levi couldn’t help but feel absolutely… _helpless._

He was about to give into his curiosity to seeing the wound again, when the adjoining room’s door opened and the nurse from earlier came inside. She looked surprised to see Levi standing over the Commander, with a look on his face like she had just caught him doing something bad.

“He’s having a fever.” Levi said putting the towel back into the bowl of water and stepped aside, as the nurse came over to examine the patient.

“It is normal right now for his body to react this way,” she said and lowered the covers all the way to Erwin’s torso. Levi couldn’t help but stare at the wound and at the whole picture…if at the military hospital he was too mesmerized with the wound itself, now he looked at Erwin as a whole.

His arm was gone….the epitome of the strong handsome leader had been crippled…and it was his right arm too…how would he write? How would he tie his shoes? How would he even wipe his own ass?

The nurse gently checked the bandage, but since there were no signs of blood soaking through, she nodded to herself. She then looked up at Levi, only to see him stare at the Commander’s body with something in his eyes that looked like pity and sorrow.

“Can’t you give him something for the fever? He seems distressed…” Levi said.

“The doctor has used an opioid after the surgery to keep him calm…we can’t wake him.”

“But he’s not calm right now, is he?”

“It’s just a fever dream, Captain. Every patient goes through these stages at the beginning right after the surgery. We will monitor it and make sure it goes down.”

The tone of her voice had something final in it. Levi understood that he was hindering the nurse from doing her job properly, that of taking care of their prime patient.

Since it had been a few hours since he left them, Levi decided that it would be best for everyone if he returned to his new squad. He could go and check up on Pastor Nick, but Hange told him to leave it to her, as if he were more involved than he was already it would raise suspicion and they really didn’t need any Military Police lackeys sniffing around…not now at least, when they were yet to regroup and think up a plan to reclaim Wall Maria.

“I will go check on my other colleagues,” Levi said, more to himself, and was heading to the door.

“Captain, your coat?” the nurse said, noticing the coat on the chair next to the bed. Levi turned his head to her as he was about to exit.

“Leave it there. I am coming back later.” With that he left yet again, heading to Hange’s recovery house.

But as he rode there, the only thing he could think of was all the ways in which Erwin would struggle without his right arm.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Monday, this means a new chapter! Thank you all for the kudos and comments. They brighten my day every time :)

* * *

 

 

“How is he?” Hange asked the moment Levi came into the room. “I heard he…a Titan ripped his arm off…”

“It’s true. His right arm is gone. They did their thing…sown it up and now he’s recovering,” Levi said.

A moment of silence settled between them. Hange looked worried and tried to read into the situation better by studying Levi’s face. She had learned to do that as a way of understanding the Captain better, since just by his monotonous way of talking, no one could know for sure how he felt for real.

“You for one look terrible. Did you get any sleep?” Hange asked.

“I don’t care how I look…” Levi said and instinctively wanted to grab the hems of the oversized coat he had been wearing for a few days now, but realized that he left it back in Erwin’s room. He crossed his arms to his chest instead. “I did catch a few hours of sleep…” he lied and went to sit on the edge of Hange’s bed. “Where are Eren and Krista…I mean, Historia?”

“They’re okay. Currently resting in this place. Don’t worry, people from my squad are guarding their rooms.” Hange said walking around the chamber.

“Good…” Levi nodded and rubbed his eyes. He was feeling exhausted, but he couldn’t allow himself to rest just yet. “We can’t stay here.”

“I know. I’ve been thinking of a place to take the squad. Somewhere we can test Eren’s hardening ability, away from the Interior’s prying eyes…I’ve sent a few of our people to survey some areas.” Hange said still pacing.

“Right…” Levi completed. “I bet Erwin would’ve known a good place…”

“Yeah, well, Erwin’s as good to us now as dead horse–”

Hange realized she said something wrong too late. Levi shot her a furious glance and they stared each other down, until Hange averted her gaze.

“I'm sorry. What I meant was that we need to be able to act in the spirit of the Survey Corps even if certain individuals are…incapacitated for now. That’s what Erwin would like us to do.”

Levi nodded. “I just feel like people don’t even care if he’s alive or dead…or care to know that he’s injured and in pain…” he said quietly, looking at his shoes.

“I care…” Hange said, also in a low voice. “Of course I care, Levi. But the way things are developing right now, we literally do not have the time to worry as much…Erwin is alive! Sure, he’s injured, but he made it back…and he will recover. Some weren’t as lucky…”

Hange walked to the window and looked outside absentmindedly. “Mike is dead…”

Levi ran a hand through his hair and stared up at the ceiling. “Officially?”

“Not really…but the last time anyone saw him was when they were fleeing the village where we kept the kids. He didn’t meet up with the rest of them at Castle Utgard, or on the wall…He would’ve been second in command.”

Levi just closed his eyes, as a searing pain shot right through his skull. He didn't even want to think about Mike being dead...Mike was no stupid man. He was one of the Survey Corps' strongest and bravest soldiers. He didn't even want to imagine what terrible thing could have possibly brought someone like him down...

He then lay back on the bed. His stomach growled and he winced. He wondered if Erwin was hungry…would he be allowed to eat or drink? Probably not…it was probably too early after the surgery. He wondered if his fever went down like the nurse promised it would. Was he feeling alone? Was he even remotely aware of what was happening to him? How would he react when he saw himself in the mirror? Would someone as strong and brilliant as Erwin be bothered by this? Or will he act just like before?

Levi sighed. He knew for sure that he would never be as strong as Erwin was. Strong, powerful, brilliant, cunning and handsome. The full package.

The corners of his mouth curved in the tiniest of smiles thinking about that last part…Erwin was…still _is_ a very handsome man. Thinking of Erwin like this, Levi had fallen asleep again.

***

The sun had set for just a few hours, when Levi was on the road again. He allowed his horse to rest as well and borrowed one from the stables. He could feel that this one was more well-rested than his own, as he reached Erwin’s convalescence house in no time.

He managed to eat a little bit before he left and just when he was getting ready to leave again, one of Hange’s scouts returned with the results of their mission. They seemed to have found one of the older Survey Corps’ bases that was set deep in the woods, far off the main road, perfect for the type of experiments and hideouts they needed.

Hange wanted to go inspect it herself right away if it weren’t for Moblit, who reminded her that she was still bound to stay inside, until the doctors cleared her for any activities. She was however surprised that Levi was leaving again so soon. Levi didn’t want to explain himself to her (fearing that she would call him sentimental) and told her that he would go scout the place they found himself when he returned. He told her not to move until then. And to tell the kids that they were to stay under Hange’s custody for just a little longer.

The Garrison guards were still there, chatting and sharing some food when Levi approached Erwin’s room. They nodded to him, sign that he was allowed to pass if he wanted to. Levi wondered if they were grateful that they just had to guard some crippled old soldier and not wander around the walls all day…

He walked inside the room, not bothering to knock.

“Captain Levi?!” the nurse exclaimed. She was currently filling the bowl with fresh cold water. Levi’s face dropped when he saw that Erwin was in a worse state than when he left him.

“What the fuck happened?” he growled and went straight to the Commander’s side. Erwin’s breath was even jerkier than before, his face was definitely burning up and he had turned his head on a side, letting his hair fall over his sweaty forehead.

“His fever didn’t go down yet!” the nurse said quickly coming to Erwin’s other side as well and wiped his forehead with a fresh cold towel. Erwin turned his head to the other side and groaned, clearly in pain. The nurse continued to wipe the Commander’s face and neck, whenever he moved from side to side.

“Is that all you’re going to do?” Levi asked in a raised voice. “Hope for the fever to go down? What kind of medical facility is this if you don’t even CARE FOR YOUR PATIENTS’ WELLBEING?!”

He didn’t mean to lose his temper again, but the whole situation was beginning to piss him off very much. It was like no one wanted Erwin to get better.

“I would appreciate it if you let me do my job as I am supposed to, Captain!” the nurse spat right back. “You shouldn’t even be here and I don’t care what rank you are, Commander Smith is _my_ patient now! Don’t make me have you escorted out, Captain, because I will do it if you’re in my way!”

Her voice broke off and she was trembling from head to toe from the anger and excitement of having to face off one of the most important people in the Survey Corps.

“Is that so…?” Levi growled, his eyes narrowing. He was ready to resist this petite nurse that was just doing her job, when suddenly, a voice made them both break eye contact.

“Levi…Levi…” Erwin moaned in a husky voice. Levi grabbed his arm and bent forward to be closer to the Commander.

“I’m right here, Erwin.” he said in a completely different voice than a few seconds ago when he was about to go to war with the nurse.

Erwin turned his face to the left where Levi was holding his arm. He opened his eyes halfway through, but didn’t seem to see anything. He was still in his feverish dream state.

“Where are Eren and Krista?” the Commander mumbled, not able to keep his eyes open. Levi brought his face closer, as he also pushed Erwin’s hair off his forehead.

“They’re safe, Erwin. Eren and Historia are both with us. We’re keeping them safe.” he said as clearly as he could as he examined the Commander’s face up close.

Erwin’s eyebrows unfurrowed, as if he had been released from a great pain. “Good…” he mumbled and tried to swallow, but his throat was too dry. His breathing became just a bit steadier and Levi understood that he had fallen asleep again. When he looked up, he saw the nurse grasping the wet towel with both her hands and seemed to have been holding her breath during their intimate conversation. She looked at him too for a few moments until she pursed her lips and handed Levi the wet towel. Levi looked at it and then at her, not helping his surprise. He took the towel without saying a word and continued her job and gently dabbed Erwin’s forehead with it.

***

Levi and the nurse spent almost the entire night watching over Erwin and talking. She explained to Levi many of the procedures and the recovery process that would await Erwin. She also explained that many patients that have undergone amputation go through several stages of depression and therefore, psychiatric evaluations were gravely needed. She had seen many patients go insane or commit suicide due to not being able to accept their new image or they simply gave up on rehabilitation, claiming that it was all too difficult, stressful and pointless.

“Sadly, mental health is not something many doctors these days care about. They’re only interested in the physical and concrete…I do believe that both body and mind are bound together very tightly. Any tipping of the scale creates, of course, an imbalance…” the nurse said. She then yawned and looked at the clock.

Levi had been listening to what she was saying very carefully. He liked that she was knowledgeable about many things he wasn’t. It made him trust her more. However, after she finished talking, he realized that his eyes were stinging and his headache was back.

“I will go sleep for a bit, Captain,” she said in a tired voice. She hesitated for a moment. “There are empty beds here. You would need to rest a bit too. You look tired.”

Levi heard that before. “I will stay for a bit longer…”

Erwin was sleeping soundly, his breath more regulated. The nurse also explained what they were using those days for calming down patients. It was some processed liquid extracted from poppy seeds. Mint oil was also good for a local anesthetic. All her rambling about the medical research within the Walls reminded Levi of Hange and her obsession with the Titans.

He leaned forward on his chair and put his hands on his face. He would have to return in a few hours and go scout the house in the woods. He felt drained. Mentally and physically drained. He was afraid he might be spreading himself too thin. He peeked at Erwin from between his fingers. Peaceful was not really the word that came to mind when one looked at him. His face was turning gaunt and soon his beard would grow. His hair was messy on his forehead and some wrinkles appeared at the corners of his eyes, seemingly overnight. Levi then focused on the steady rise and fall of his broad chest.

The door to the adjoining room opened as the nurse was getting ready to leave. She was not against Levi being there anymore. She understood that it was beneficial for both Commander and Captain to stay together even for a bit every day, until things started moving again.

“Hey…” Levi said turning his head slightly to address the nurse. She stopped to look at him. “Don’t…have me kicked out. Please.”

The nurse nodded, a small smile appearing at the corners of her mouth. With that she made her exit. Levi stretched his body a little bit after that, drank a glass of water, checked Erwin’s temperature by pressing his lips to his forehead. He was still very warm. The nurse said that they couldn’t give him anything to drink just yet. He must be unbelievably thirsty…no wonder he had many nightmares.

Levi patted Erwin’s lips with another moist towel and instinctively arranged the blond hair off his forehead. He then went back to sit on his chair and just like the first time, he put his hands over Erwin’s covered left hand and let his head rest on the edge of the bed.

He fell asleep almost instantly.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally Thursday and a new chapter is up. Thank you very much for reading.
> 
> I felt just a little bit inspired and drew this for this chapter:  
> [deviantart link](https://www.deviantart.com/larslovesjames/art/Feel-for-You-Ch-5-765654244)
> 
> I enjoyed writing this chapter, especially the Hange vs Levi moment
> 
> Also, I found out how many chapters there will be in total.

* * *

 

 

The nurse was the one who woke him up the following day. With a jolt he raised his head and looked at Erwin and then outside the window. The sun was just raising. He cursed between his gritted teeth and got up from his chair. He staggered for a moment as his body was not ready for the sudden movement. His shoulders were stiff as hell and his vision darkened for a brief moment.

He had to return to Hange’s convalescence house and move his squad to the new base.

“You don’t look too good, Captain. Are you in a rush to leave?” the nurse asked after examining Levi’s face.

Levi groaned as he was getting tired of people constantly telling him this. “Look, this is just my face. I never look okay. And I do have to leave– he hesitated and looked at Erwin’s more peaceful face– although…”

“I’m afraid the easy part of the recovery is over for the Commander. He made it through the first 24 hours. Now we will try not to administer too much opioids. This means we’re forcing him to become conscious and with that–”

“The pain.”

He wished he could just stay with Erwin through it all. Screw humanity, the Survey Corps and the truth. They didn’t mean much to someone like him if Erwin wasn’t there by his side. But it was also for Erwin’s sake that he was doing all this. He had to get a move on and protect Eren and Historia. As much as it pained him to leave Erwin alone, he went to the sink to splash some water on his face, rub his neck and run a wet hand through his hair. He didn’t even want to see how his face looked like after two hellish nights like these.

“If you really are going, let me pack you something for the road. I haven’t seen you eat at all and although you are not my patient I wouldn’t want you to become one because of the way you are neglecting your body,” the nurse boldly said.

Levi was taken by surprise by her sudden protective attitude towards him. So, he only nodded, as it was no point in arguing with her. She was right after all.

As she quickly left to pack a small bread and fill a bottle of water, Levi approached Erwin’s bed and gently sat on the edge on his right side.

“I’ll have to go move Eren and Historia somewhere safer. Hange will want to start the experiments and maybe we can get something out of the girl that might ease our mission…”

He sighed. “Erwin, right now…I don’t even know what our mission is.” He leaned forward so he can be closer to the Commander’s face. “So you better wake the fuck up and heal up nice and proper, you hear me? Don’t make me throw you in the hands of these people, okay? We need you…I…”

He shut his mouth. Obviously, Erwin did not reply. His eyes were slightly fluttering as he was still caught in his dreamland.

“You junkie.” Levi said and smiled. Just then the nurse came back in the room with a small package. Levi immediately got up and went to her.

“Thank you,” he said in a low voice. The nurse just smiled at him.

“The doctor’s going to come a little later to examine the wound and the patient. Then we’re going to give him some new clean bandages. After we do some draining–”

She stopped and gave Levi a scared look. She wouldn’t want to disgust him with the gruesome details.

“The pus. I’ve seen injuries before, nurse. I even gave people injuries like that. Don’t hold back on me.” Levi said.

“Right…then we will wait and see if he comes round. We will have to start giving him fluids for now and move his joints and limbs. We don’t want any blood clots to form due to inactivity.”

“Do everything you need to do to make him okay again. But don’t go too hard on him…he’s still a shitty old man…”

The nurse laughed but seeing that Levi didn’t even sketch a smile, she quickly swallowed it back. Wasn’t that a joke…?

With one last look towards the Commander, Levi left the room. He didn’t take the oversized coat with him, meaning that he would return. He munched on the bread the nurse packed him before he got on the horse and rode as fast as he could back to Hange. The sun had risen completely by the time he got there. However, he did not expect Hange to not be there anymore.

“She became too restless to wait for you, Captain,” Moblit said in his usual anxious voice. Even relaying messages from Hange gave this guy anxiety.

“So what, she just left like that?” Levi shouted, although he knew he shouldn’t lose his temper with poor Moblit.

“Hange took Eren and Historia first, Captain. She said that this way people wouldn’t suspect a massive move out from the Survey Corps. They left just before the sun rose, in civilian clothes, no Survey Corps banners. She said that once you came too, we can move out with the rest of the kids.”

Moblit stopped to swallow as his mouth dried up already. Levi was pacing up and down the room as he spoke, furious on Hange for acting so reckless, but also embarrassed of his own behavior. They waited for him to come back, but he sure took his time with the Commander, who wasn’t even conscious.

“Do you know where the base is?” he asked in a controlled voice.

“Yes. Whenever you are ready, we are too. Hange said to have two groups leave at different times and take different routes…in case anyone wants to follow us…” Moblit said.

It was a clever plan. Erwin would have come up with something similar.

“Let’s go and hope Eren and Historia made it safe and sound just with Hange escorting them.” Levi said and headed for the stables again.

***

He tried to memorize the road they took to the base in the woods, but the further they went in, the more discouraged he became. They were going too deep into Wall Rose…too far away from Trost. After an hour or so of constant detours, they made it to the new Survey Corps base. Four horses were grazing nearby. Hange opened the door and welcomed everyone. It seemed that the other group did not arrive just yet.

“Well here’s Mr. Ray of Sunshine.” Hange said with a reserved smile as she let Levi and the rest inside.

“Have you lost your mind, Hange?” Levi burst as he couldn’t let this one go. “Did it ever occur to you what dangers you’ve subjected these kids to?”

“Hey, you said you were coming back, Levi. But it was almost dawn and you weren’t there. I couldn’t wait for you any longer.”

“So you just acted on your own like that?”

“I followed the chain of command, Levi! Erwin is out of the picture right now, Mike’s dead, all of his squad is dead, you were god knows where taking your sweet time, while I have to think of everything! Pastor Nick, the future missions, finding a base to hide _your_ squad, which you just dumped on me like I didn’t have my own. On top of that, I have to act under cover not to raise suspicion. So, no, Levi, I don’t want any cheek from you. What have you done for the Survey Corps lately?”

Levi narrowed his eyes as his anger reached a boiling point. He would kick Hange in the face for that, but instead, he kicked a nearby chair with all of his force, making it fly across the room and simply splatter against the wall.

“L-Let’s not fight now…” Moblit chimed in shyly. “Let’s not fight among ourselves….w-what kind of example are we setting for the new recruits?”

Levi and Hange looked around them at the new kids. Eren hadn’t even said a word from the moment they got there, Historia looked like she didn’t even care she was there. Mikasa on the other hand, while still holding her ribs, she looked at Levi with a very understanding gaze. What Hange saw as silly whims of being there with the Commander, Mikasa saw as the kind of bond she wanted to have with Eren. She understood why Hange was accusing him of basically abandoning them in someone else’s care, but she also understood why he did that. If she were in Levi’s place, she would probably do the same: fight tooth and nail to be with Eren during tough times.

Of course, she would never tell Levi that she felt for him. She actually enjoyed that someone was for once, calling him out on his bullshit.

The two squad leaders broke their standoff, as each got busy with something to do. Hange went to look for the remaining group that had to arrive and Levi looked around the base.

“This place is filthy.” he said after a quick scan of the furniture.

“We can clean it up, Captain Levi!” Eren said in earnest, as if finally awakened. “Not you, Mikasa, you need to lie down.”

“I can still help,” Mikasa protested.

As Eren and Mikasa started bickering about who should be cleaning or not, the rest of the group arrived. Levi asked Moblit if there was a map of the surroundings, as he needed to come up with a more efficient route to return to Trost.

“Don’t tell me you’re gonna leave again,” Hange said, seeing Levi examine the map.

“Hange…I need to go.”

“Is he even conscious?”

“No…not yet. But I just…I have to, okay? I don’t want to have to explain myself to you, but I don’t want you to question my every move all the time.”

Hange just stared at him and then sighed. “Do as you see fit, Levi. I just thought we all had the same goal here: protect Eren and Historia. If the Survey Corps’ most important soldier thinks it’s okay to wander off and leave them unprotected, then who am I to oppose?”

Levi rubbed his forehead as the arguments he had with Hange were the ones that made him hate himself the most. It used to be Mike who would nag him all the time about stupid shit, but he knew that he did that just to mess with him. Right now, Hange was questioning his beliefs and while he did agree with her, that he was putting them at risk, he just…wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he just acted like she wanted him to.

_Humanity be damned…_

“I am not abandoning you…” he said, but Hange left the room, disappointed.

***

Levi had stayed with the Survey Corps for the rest of the afternoon, gave Eren instructions on how to clean up the place and avoided getting in Hange’s way, as the tensions seemed to be running high already.

Poor Eren tried to keep up with all the instructions, writing things down on a piece of paper while following Levi through the rooms, much to everyone’s amusement, until Levi shot them an irritated gaze and told them that they were to help Eren with this, now that they were part of his squad. Eren would merely act as their guide, since he went through the initiation process already.

It seemed that Historia was still not willing to talk after the last mission. Levi decided not to press her yet, as she might still be in shock; instead he pushed Eren around, pressing him to take their new mission of learning how to harden his titan body seriously.

After Eren slipped away from any more instructions, Levi didn’t know what else to do. He went outside the base and simply stared at the horizon. He unpacked the rest of the bread the nurse gave him and started munching absentmindedly.

Shortly after, Hange returned from her scouting of the surroundings. She gave Levi one glance, but seeing that the Captain ignored her, she walked past him inside.

“We’ll have some supplies later. I asked Nifa to go get some from the city while we still can,” she said. Most of the new Levi squad kids were in the room, watching Connie trying to fix the chair Levi pulverized earlier. He seemed to have it figured out. Jean was helping him by handing him nails or holding the structure in place. Eren was reviewing the list of tasks Levi gave him and Mikasa was just sitting next to him, still holding her ribs, but not looking like she was in pain.

Hange plopped next to Mikasa and sighed, only to have a fit of coughing right after. It seemed her lungs were still quite sensitive after the encounter with the burning steam of the Colossal Titan. Mikasa reached out her hand and grabbed a glass of water from the table in front of them.

“Thanks,” Hange said before she gulped down the water. Mikasa looked outside the window and saw the Captain looking very…absent.

“Squad Leader Hange…” Mikasa said in her usual quiet voice.

“Hm?"

“Let Captain Levi go to the Commander.”

Hange and everyone in the room looked at Mikasa. She however, maintained eye contact with Hange.

“I am strong, stronger than many of the people here–”

“Oi, Mikasa!” Eren interjected, but Mikasa went on.

“If anything happened, I would be able to react faster than anyone. I can protect Eren.”

“But Mikasa, you’re still injured…” Armin, who had been quietly sitting by the window, chimed in.

“I am healing. I’m almost healed. I’ve always been able to recover way faster. The point is, we have enough man power to protect ourselves. Let Captain Levi go to the Commander. Someone needs to be there if the Commander wakes up and wants to plan out something. What other person to relay the message than Captain Levi?”

This was probably the most anyone heard Mikasa talk. And to a superior none the less. Hange listened to what she said and took her glasses off to rub her eyes.

“It might actually be good if Captain Levi were seen around in Trost. Everyone would see that he is staying close to Commander Erwin, instead of suddenly disappearing like the rest of the Survey Corps.” Armin added while rubbing his chin. “It would probably ease up some of the suspicion that the Survey Corps is up to something. Also, this is Captain Levi and he could more than fend for himself if anything were to happen.”

All eyes were on Hange now, as Armin and Mikasa finished their pleas. Even Connie stopped working on the chair to hear the verdict.

Hange pursed her lips and smiled as she put her glasses back on. “My…you kids really hate spending time with your uncle Levi, huh?” she said.

“That’s not–” Eren quickly interfered, but Hange continued:

“I get it, I get it. I think you guys might be on to something. Fine, I will let Levi go, although I am sure he was going to do whatever he wanted anyway.”Hange got up and went outside to talk to Levi. Inside however, Eren nudged Mikasa.

“What the hell, Mikasa? That was so out of place for you. Why do you want the Captain to leave?” he asked outraged.

“For one, he would leave you alone,” Mikasa said. “But also, I don’t know…I just understand what he must feel like right now…”

“And what is that?” Eren asked incredulous. Mikasa gave Eren an intense look, but didn’t seem to want to continue, making Eren even more confused. Armin, who had studied the scene the whole time, nodded to himself as if to say that he caught the drift that Eren seemed to have missed. He turned his attention to his two seniors outside.

“Yo, Levi!” Hange said when she got out of the house. Levi didn’t bother to reply, so Hange walked up to him and stared at the horizon together. “If you are still going in Trost, I want you to check on Pastor Nick for a bit when you have the time.”

Levi only then turned his head to look at her. The sun was reflecting in her glasses, so he couldn’t see her eyes very well.

“Also, you have to continue to change courses every time,” she said after a moment of silence. “Nifa went to get some food supplies. More of my crew will soon head off to the Interior as well, to try to keep an ear out for what people say.”

Levi nodded. He didn’t know why Hange had a change of heart, but he knew better than to question it.

“If you can check with the Garrison what the situation with the evacuees is, that would also be good.”

“And you want me to do all these undercover?” Levi asked.

“Yes. No Survey Corps banners. No Wings of Freedom. People are distressed as they are, they don’t need to be stirred up even more seeing us flaunt the Wings of Freedom when we don’t do anything but wander about.”

Levi nodded again. He had to admit that Hange was doing great as second in command. Many of her ideas followed the same train of thought Erwin had, the only difference being that Hange , due to lack of experience, could get too fired up and intense to the point where she could cause more harm than good, for the sake of the cause. Erwin was very meticulous and had many resources, every plan of his having at least two other backups. He had a more roundabout approach to things and would take drastic measures only when the situation drove him into a corner. Only then he too could get carried away and turn into a tyrant, but there was just something about him that made people follow him even to the point of them meeting their horrible deaths.

“Don’t go too hard on the kids. Eren I mean.” Levi said.

“You’re telling _me_ that?” Hange snapped, amazed of such accusation. “You’re the one terrorizing him!”

“I just bring him back to earth from time to time. If you intend on doing any experiments try to remember that he’s a kid still…a human! He has limits…”

“You’re unbelievable, you know that?” Hange said and laughed…only to immediately start coughing. “Let us know if Erwin wakes up.”

Levi nodded. It wouldn’t be long before the sun would set, so he decided to head out. It would take a while to get back to Trost, run the errands Hange asked him to and then finally see Erwin again.

As he was saddling his horse, he noticed that his heart was beating painfully loud in his chest. It wasn’t necessarily a bad feeling about heading out again…but more of what to expect when he would return to Erwin’s room. He remembered that the nurse told him the easy part was over. Had Erwin woken up? Was he still in pain? And, more importantly, would he be angry or happy to see Levi there?


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello! It's Monday and it's time to post!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who read, left kudos, comments and bookmarked. You made a poor soul happy :)
> 
> Now, about this chapter....this chapter my friends is the crown jewel of this fic. This is the part that I had fleshed out entirely one morning in 2015 and which has remained stuck somewhere at the back of my head up until this year. I always said that, if I were ever to write an Eruri fanfic it would be fleshed out around this part. 
> 
> I have a bit of art for this chapter. Maybe you already saw it, but here it is  
> [tumblr link](http://someonemb.tumblr.com/post/177443214339/after-a-few-failed-attempts-to-post-this-finally)
> 
> WARNING: this chapter is a little bit more intense. There will be mentions of vomit and blood. Reader discretion is advised.

Keeping a low profile ran smoothly. The city was very desolate as it was merely an island into the supposed Titan territory. The people in Trost had not been evacuated and they were trying to make do with the sparse provisions they had left. Rumors were circulating that they would close the inner gate soon, just to make sure there's no looters let on the loose. The Garrison soldiers were very far and in between, as many had been dispatched for the overcrowded Inner City and Underground. Pixis was in the Interior, so Levi could not get much out of the few people he left behind. Squad Leader Rico was still in Trost, but she could not enlighten Levi with any new information other than what he already heard through the city. Taking his leave from her, Levi walked to Pastor Nick’s barrack. Ridding on horse would have caught people’s attention. Pastor Nick was doing alright, for a prisoner of the Survey Corps. He said that the people around did not give him much attention, especially since he barely went outside. His supplies were limited, but so were everyone else’s, so Levi did not have much sympathy for him, especially since, even now, he still didn’t want to say anything about the Walls.

Maybe Hange would be able to persuade him better next time she came to town. Finally done with his errands, Levi had an idea to swing by Erwin’s place in Trost. The small apartment was cluttered as always and the air was very stale. Levi cracked open a window while he stayed there. He decided to take two of Erwin’s clean shirts with him. Maybe Erwin would like to wear one, if he woke up. The other he decided he would be wearing, since he had been wearing the same shirt for two days now and he just had to wash it.

By the time he was truly done with all this moving around, the sun had set for good and the night was settling in. Now that it was dark, he galloped to the recovery house, taking the long route around the edge of the city not to attract attention, while a cold shiver ran down his spine the closer he got. Why did he feel like that? The last time this sense of impending doom took over him was when he was blindly trying to get to Erwin after he got injured.

The Garrison soldiers had been changed, but they allowed Levi to enter. Their faces were quite grim though.

“Captain,” the nurse greeted him. Her face wasn’t as radiant as it had been that morning. She looked tired.

“How is he?” Levi asked looking at Erwin quickly. He was still sleeping it seemed, but his eyebrows were knit together and his jaw was set. Levi could see that his wound had clean bandages and the covers were lowered to expose his chest. His breath was jerky again and his fist was slightly gripping the covers.

Seeing him in such a pathetic state, made Levi’s heart ache again. That. That was why he had that foreboding feeling.

“He…is experiencing some discomfort. He had been conscious for a bit today after you left. The doctor checked his wound and he said that it was going to heal nicely. No sign of infection or gangrene,” the nurse said and placed a wet towel on the Commander’s forehead. “We attempted some exercises to make the blood flow. He did well, no complaints. Just that after a while he mumbled that his arm hurt…”

“His arm? His left?”

“No.”

Levi looked at Erwin puzzled. “But his right arm is gone…His stump hurt?”

The nurse arranged her apron. “There’s this thing…I’ve seen it in other amputee cases…they complain of pain in their missing limbs. Not the stumps or the wounds that have been sown up, but in the actual limb. The doctors call it “phantom pain”. I think it has something to do with the nerves that have been severed…maybe some muscle memory…or maybe the memory of muscle memory. The problem is that there isn’t a way to treat an aching missing limb…”

Levi frowned. He went to the sink to wash his hands thoroughly and then approached Erwin’s bed. He put his hands on Erwin’s covered up feet and just gave them a squeeze.

“So what did you do?” he asked in a low voice.

“Well, we tried to have him power through it. We attempted to feed him some soup, but he barely ate. He said he was not hungry. He said he didn’t need to use the bathroom either. He just went back to sleep. And here he is now…”

“He looks like he’s in pain,” Levi said unsure. The nurse sighed.

“The doctor said that if the pain reaches unbearable levels, we can give him another dose of opioids, although it would be better to let the body heal itself for as much as possible. Unfortunately, pain is part of the recovery process.”

“Is he still conscious now?”

“I don’t think so…”

As they were talking, Erwin moved his head from one side to another and groaned. His body gave a jolt and he seemed to try to move to the edge of the bed.

“He’s gonna vomit!” Levi said quickly, but by the time he got to Erwin’s side, the Commander heaved and sick splattered on the floor. The nurse quickly came over with a pan in the hopes of catching what was left of it, but although his body spasmed a few times, there wasn’t anything else to throw up. He had barely eaten anything anyway.

When he seemed to have finished, Levi helped him get back on the pillow and wiped his mouth and forehead with the wet towel. The nurse got busy cleaning the mess.

“Is it okay to open the window?” Levi asked.

“Just crack it open,” the nurse replied. Going to the window, Levi selfishly took a few good gulps of fresh air before he turned back. The nurse was filling up a bucket with water to wipe the floor and bedding.

“Let me do it,” Levi said rolling up his sleeves. The nurse protested for a bit, but he insisted. She then busied herself to check up on Erwin.

Levi got on his knees and began scrubbing the floor near the bed. Never had he seen Erwin in this condition. He was the epitome of strength and health…and now he was a mere mortal. He didn't know how to deal with this realization just yet.

Levi began scrubbing faster and harsher as this scene…this feeling of helplessness in the face of disaster was way too familiar…he remembered the always dimly lit room, the suffocating smell of the room, his mother’s sickening coughs and her silent crying as the pain was eating away at her insides…and he was just a child that shouldn’t have even been there…scrubbing the floor from his mother’s blood-filled vomit, trying to be quiet not to be heard or else the bad man with no teeth would find him too and sell him to men that would do horrible horrible things to him like they did to his mother…her pitiful sobs as she told him to always wash himself after touching her or any of her diseased clothes…

Levi realized he was suffocating and so he stopped scrubbing the already sparkling floor and closed his eyes. He took a few deep breaths in and let them out.

When he opened his eyes, he noticed that the nurse was watching him from the other side of the bed.

“He seems better now,” she informed Levi, trying to ignore the Captain’s changed face. He looked as if he had been caught up in a very scary memory. When Levi finished wiping the edge of the bed, he threw Erwin a quick glance. Indeed, the Commander seemed to have calmed down a bit. Maybe it was just the nauseous feeling that was distressing him.

Levi threw the dirty water in the latrine down the hall. He washed the bucket and then he saw that the sink had a small rough rock that was usually used for exfoliating or washing out stains. He soaped up his hands and began scrubbing them with the pumice stone so harshly and obsessively that they turned red. Only when his skin began to sting did he stop and rinsed. He looked at his hands and thought for a second that he might have gone overboard. But it didn’t matter. None of what he was feeling mattered in the grand scheme of things. All that mattered was for Erwin to heal and recover his strength. They needed his brilliant mind desperately…or maybe _he_ was the only one that so desperately clung to the Commander…people like Hange were very fast to replace him and carry on. These people didn’t seem to care that Erwin was human after all.

_Do you care that Erwin is human after all?_

Levi pushed back these fleeting thoughts and walked back to the patient’s room. It still smelled like vomit. Levi left the bucket in a corner of the room and walked up to the bed.

“I guess he didn’t like your soup,” Levi said as he watched Erwin’s chest raise and fall.

“I helped him with some water,” the nurse said gesturing to the glass on the bedside table.

“Now?” Levi asked surprised. “Oi, Erwin, you’re conscious only when the pretty nurse is here to help your sorry ass?”

The nurse couldn’t help but laugh again, although Levi didn’t even sketch a smile. She guessed that the Captain simply couldn’t _physically_ do that anymore. It was kind of sad if one thought about it…

“We’ll try again tomorrow to give him something to eat that hopefully he can keep in,” the nurse said and hid a yawn behind her hand.

“Go to sleep. I’ll keep an eye on him,” Levi said.

Normally, the nurse would protest this, but she was unbelievably tired at that hour and she wouldn’t say no to a few hours of sleep. She nodded.

“I normally wouldn’t do this…but just for a few minutes maybe…But only if you promise to wake me up if something happens.”

Levi pulled a chair near the bed and adjusted the light in the lamp, as he actually brought some of the Survey Corps’ reports from the latest mission with him.

“I will,” he said as he took a seat and waited for the nurse to finally leave through the adjoining door to her chamber. He sighed and began reading.

The night was going by as Levi was slowly…very slowly reading the reports. Reading and writing had never been his strong points and while he _was_ able to do them both, it just took him a bit longer. Whenever Hange and Mike pointed out some of his spelling mistakes from his own reports he would react violently, because he felt embarrassed. He never had a formal education like them and they laughed at him. But Erwin never did. One could tell that if he hadn’t been the Commander of the Survey Corps, he would have most likely become a teacher, because he was always patient with Levi, especially at the beginning when it was the hardest for Levi to admit to his lack of education.

They would usually write their reports together at the same desk, in Erwin’s office and Erwin always made sure he slowed down his writing, just to be at the same pace with Levi’s scratchy writing. He didn’t want Levi to feel inferior for writing slower than him

Levi shook his head to regain his focus on the report. Armin wrote so much in his, that it was pointless to read anyone else’s. He read about the encounter on the wall, the Titan fight, Eren’s capture, the regrouping and the chaos of the battle to recapture Eren. So much had happened in just one mission, Levi felt a bit left out, but also there was so much new information to take in…

As he was turning to page 15 of the report, Levi heard Erwin groan again. He raised his gaze from the papers and saw that the Commander was tormented by another nightmare. His breath was fast and beads of sweat formed on his upper lip. He turned his head on a side and gripped the covers.

“Erwin…” Levi said out loud, wondering if Erwin could hear him through the veil of sleep. “Erwin, are you going to vomit again?”

Erwin didn’t answer. He moved his legs around, seemingly trying to find a more comfortable position. Levi put his papers on the chair, as he went to open the window a little more, leaving the slightest breeze sweep through the thin curtains.

Erwin continued to look and sound pained. His body was constantly moving to find a position that allowed him to rest, but eventually, he turned on his left side, his back to Levi and his hand gripped and kneaded his right shoulder. His hand tried to massage the missing limb, but he couldn’t find it. That seemed to distress him even more, as his jerky breath turned to moans.

“Erwin…?” Levi said as he remained standing, watching the Commander be tormented. His knees started to shake and it wasn’t because of the cold air.

“It hurts…” Erwin whined in the most pathetic voice Levi ever heard him use. His heart sank to his stomach. “It hurts…”

“Erwin…!” Levi said trying not to sound scared, but failing miserably. Never had he seen such a frightening scene as the Commander himself succumbing to pain. “What hurts?”

“M…my arm hurts!” Erwin whimpered. His voice broke and a sob escaped him. “My arm hurts! It hurts!”

He was crying and holding his shoulder tight. Erwin Smith was crying like a child with a fever. Levi couldn’t tell, but he was staring at the Commander with his eyes wide open in actual terror. The foreboding feeling he had that afternoon amounted to this, the most horrible scene he ever had to witness.

“I’m sorry…” Erwin whined between sobs. “I’m sorry…please…it-it just…It hurts so bad! I’m sorry!”

He was still caught in his nightmare’s web. Levi’s heart was racing in his chest as his mind completely shut down again. He didn’t know what to do! What did he have to do? What to do?!

He looked at the door to the nurse’s room. He had to let her know, to subdue Erwin again. They would drug him again, but at least his pain would be gone.

Watching the Commander’s back spasm with his pitiful sobs of pain and fear, a strange sense of awareness shot through him like an electric shock.

He knew what he had to do.

He did not call out for the nurse. Instead, he kicked off his shoes and got on the bed behind Erwin. He put his hand on his right shoulder to turn him around to him.

“No…” Erwin tried to protest and turned his tear covered face away from Levi as if ashamed to be seen like this.

“Yes!” Levi said in a stern voice and managed to turn Erwin around to him. Erwin kept wanting to turn away or push Levi away, but the Captain was for once the stronger one. He pulled Erwin closer to him until he could cradle his head to his chest.

“It’s okay…” Levi said in a low voice, holding Erwin close, one arm wrapped around his shoulders and the other soothing his hair.

“M…my arm…” Erwin continued to sob into Levi’s shirt.

“Shhh…”

“…it hurts…why does it hurt so bad?”

“It’s okay…you’re healing right now…it’s going to hurt for a bit…” Levi said, pressing his cheek on top of Erwin’s head. He didn’t know what to say exactly, as he never comforted anyone like this before. He then took Erwin’s left arm and draped it around his waist, this way closing the gap between them and pressing their bodies together.

Erwin buried his face in Levi’s chest and gripped his shirt at the back. Levi gently rubbed his hand on his back and kept whispering ‘it’s okay…it’s okay’ like a personal mantra. The Commander let out all the pain, frustration, shame and fear, while holding on to Levi as if for dear life. Levi could feel his hot breath soak through his shirt.

“Forgive me…” Erwin murmured. Levi wasn’t sure who he was saying this to, as he still seemed to be in his feverish world. He probably wasn’t even aware of Levi being there holding and soothing him.

“It’s okay,” the Captain said again. “You’re only human…”

_You’re only human…_

Erwin was only human. He wasn’t the strongest. He wasn’t humanity’s hope. He wasn’t the handsome Commander of the Survey Corps. He was a mere human. A crippled man haunted by nightmares and in pain. A man in need of a bit of comfort.

That was why Levi was there. He would be his strength in times of need. He would soothe him when he was in pain. He would be his confidant, his right hand man, his anything. Anything to return him to the bright sun that he was. His Commander.

 

 

Erwin eventually calmed down by himself. Levi let him cry his heart out, without saying anything. Not because he didn’t feel sorry for him, but because he knew Erwin just needed to let it all out. Soon enough his breath became more regular and his grip on Levi’s shirt loosened just a bit.

Staying pressed together like that helped Levi relax as well. After the initial terror and rush of adrenaline wore off, his body became tired. His eyes stung and he felt very sleepy.

He dozed off for a few minutes, until his senses told him that something wasn’t right and he woke up with a jolt. Erwin’s arm had let go completely of his shirt and was now lying limp over his waist. His breath was very drawn out and quiet. Too quiet.

Levi pulled away just slightly to look down at the Commander. He didn’t stir whatsoever. Then Levi noticed that he could feel his shirt was wet somewhere below his chest. He pushed Erwin back gently so he can see what it was between them and with every millimeter that he pulled Erwin away from him, he could see a crimson stain get bigger and bigger.

His heart shot up to his throat, as he pulled away completely and saw that Erwin’s bandages, along with the whole left side of his shirt were soaked through with blood. Erwin’s wound was bleeding!

Levi scampered off the bed and for a second he thought he was going to vomit from the sickening feeling of terror. He ran to the nurse’s room, waking her up in the process.

“H-His wound is bleeding,” Levi said and couldn’t help his teeth chattering visibly. The nurse was up and alert. She moved swiftly and rang a bell that was connected who knew where. A minute or so later, another older nurse walked into Erwin’s room. She had a surgical sowing kit with her, while the other nurse was washing her hands and then took some fresh clean towels from the dresser. They seemed well accustomed with situations like these and so they acted swiftly and precise, while they ignored Levi, who was standing at the foot of the bed, his hands sticky with Erwin’s blood and his whole body trembling with fear. _Real fear_. Fear that he never experienced with such an intensity, not even when they ventured outside the walls or saw the Titans approach.

The nurses cut open the soaked bandages, revealing Erwin’s wound turned into a bloody mess. They tied a tourniquet above the stitches and washed down the old blood to see where the bleeder was. Erwin now looked like he did when they first put him on the operating table, his skin almost translucent. 

And just like back then, Levi felt like his knees were about to give out. He couldn’t breathe and he couldn’t swallow. Without looking back, he turned around on his heels, forgetting his shoes and swiftly walked out of the room, ran down the hallway and burst through the door.

He filled his lungs with fresh air to the point that he felt his chest burn. His eyes stung as he realized they were quickly filling up with tears. He gritted his teeth tight and put the heels of his hands on his brows, as if to hide his shame. He tried to breathe through, to fight back the tears, but he failed.

After a few silent gasps, he lifted his head and focused on regulating his breath. He opened his eyes and stared at the millions of shining stars above him on the night sky, while breathing in and breathing out slowly.

Once he noticed that his feet were starting to freeze, he turned around and walked back inside.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> I had some unfinished sketches ( done in 2015 because as I mentioned previously, I had this idea for years) for this chapter, but for some reason I couldn't post them. I will try to update with a link later.  
> UPDATE: here's the link with the unfinished sketches [ here](http://someonemb.tumblr.com/post/178796599259/here-are-the-unfinished-sketches-for-chapter-7-of)
> 
> About this chapter: was it necessary? Not really...and I did ponder whether to write the idea or not. But I decided to still go ahead bc it's Eruri and I want to show this side of Levi still.

When he walked back inside the Commander’s room, the nurses were done bandaging the wound.

“What happened, Captain?” the young nurse asked when she walked up to him. The older one, who did not say a word since she got there, was preparing an injection. Levi stared at her as she unceremoniously grabbed Erwin’s arm and jabbed him with the needle.

“Captain!” the young nurse demanded. Levi snapped out of his trance and looked at her tired face. He then looked down and noticed that his hands were still stained with Erwin’s blood. So was his shirt.

“He was…in pain. He said on and on that his right arm hurt.”

“You promised me you would call me if anything happened…!”

“I didn’t notice until the blood already soaked through…” Levi lied and he saw in that moment the nurse’ gaze lowering down to his crimson colored shirt. She then shot him a reproachful glance, as both of them knew Levi was bullshitting her. Her face then turned disappointed and Levi feared for a moment that she would have him thrown out.

The old nurse cleaned up the scraps of bandages and the dirty sheets. Just before she left however, she gave both Levi and the younger nurse a disgruntled look and said:

“Men should never be caretakers.”

With that venomous remark, she took her leave. A moment of silence fell heavy between the remaining people in the room.

“He was saying that his arm hurt…and I didn’t know what else to do…you said it yourself, how can you treat an aching missing limb?” Levi said in a low voice. “I held him until he calmed down. And only then did I notice his wound was bleeding…”

The nurse examined Levi’s face and could tell that the event shook him a little bit. Was it fear? Fear of losing his Commander?

She sighed. “I understand…but you still should've called me right away.”

Levi moved to the sink in the corner of the room and began washing his hands. But no matter how much he scrubbed and scraped his skin off, he could still feel them sticky from blood. He got so used to Titan blood evaporating that he forgot what real blood felt and smelled like.

And by the looks of it, his shirt was ruined. It seemed he had been inspired after all to bring some of Erwin’s spare shirts with him. He took his stained shirt off and was determined to wash it, but there was no cleaning product in the room, besides the hand soap.

“Where can I wash this?” he asked the nurse, who was checking up on Erwin.

“I’ll take it to the cleaning staff,” she said and went to him to take the shirt.

“But this needs to be cleaned now, while it’s still fresh,” Levi protested. “I can wash it myself, I just need some sort of detergent–”

“Captain Levi, the cleaning staff has to clean up blood stains on a daily basis. This is a recovery house…I think they know what they are doing. Now give me the shirt and we’ll deal with this tomorrow!”

Her arm was outstretched, waiting for Levi to comply. Levi wasn’t used to being treated this way either. He usually struck fear in the ordinary people, kids cried when they saw him and women were too intimidated by his dark aura to approach him. But this petite nurse had the strength of two Erwins and she was also in charge of deciding who could visit the Commander and who couldn’t.

 _Women_ , he thought as he hesitantly handed over his dirty shirt _, what an enigma_. He guessed that some had to compensate for nature making them physically smaller and weaker with some really strong and big personalities. And hell hath no fury like a strong and angry female. Scary.

“Now,” she said bundling up the shirt. “Are you going to sleep this night or not?”

They both looked at Erwin, as that decision belonged only to him.

***

Reluctantly, the nurse left Levi with Erwin for the whole night. Levi returned to reading Armin’s report, but by the time he got to the part with Erwin releasing Eren from Berthold’s restraints, he had passed out, dead tired after a very eventful afternoon and night.

He woke up the next day when the sun began creeping into the room through a slit in the curtains. He had fallen asleep with his head on the edge of the bed, his face pressed on page 24 of Armin’s report. But it wasn’t the stiffness in his neck, nor the bright rays of sun that woke him up. Erwin stirred in bed, as he turned his head to the right, where Levi was. The Captain rose up in a sitting position and massaged his neck. He felt a chill travel his body when he noticed that Erwin was very slowly trying to keep his eyes open.

“Hey.” Levi said in a husky voice. Erwin seemed to try very hard to focus on him, but gave up soon enough, as he felt his eyelids heavy as lead. Levi hated himself for feeling a tinge of disappointment when the Commander didn’t recognize him. These weren’t the types of feelings he should be having right now…Also, after such a restless night, it was normal for Erwin’s weakened body to react like that.

The nurse walked into the room a few minutes afterwards. Levi gathered up the report papers, folded them neatly and stuffed them in the inner pocket of Erwin’s coat, which was still hanging over one of the chairs. The nurse insisted she see Levi eat something for once and together they went to the small kitchen, where the staff members were walking in and out, grabbing sandwiches or eating gruel at some very small tables. Levi felt bad for eating their food, as the food supplies were rationed until Wall Rose was open for trade again. He would have to get in touch with the Garrison to know the situation with the evacuees. He wondered if the Survey Corps would be ordered to survey the entirety of Wall Rose to clear up every village of possible Titans or if the Garrison would take control over that as well, while the Survey Corps remained scattered while their Commander was bedridden.

“Are you in a hurry to leave today as well?” the nurse asked, as she took a spoonful of gruel.

“Today no,” Levi replied. “Unless Titans decide to fall from the sky again…”

“When will the Wall be cleared out? This mass evacuation is just a drill, right?” she asked with a smidge of annoyance in her voice. “Were there really Titans inside the Wall to begin–”

She realized she crossed the line a bit. Levi gave her a look as if to say he felt sorry for the situation, but didn’t answer any of her questions. He wasn’t in charge of anything in that moment.

“What about you?” he asked after a while, during which they just ate in silence. “What will you do to Erwin today?”

“Same thing as yesterday. Since he had to be sedated again last night, we’re back to square one. We need to make the blood flow, make him eat, change the bandages…and try to keep him awake to commence the rehabilitation process. With someone as high profile as him, his recovery process needs to be accelerated unfortunately…”

“Is it too early to give him a bath? A dirty body can only increase the chances of infection…”

“We’ll have to see if he wants to cooperate with us today. But a bath is too difficult a process…”

“I will do it.” Levi said. “I am strong and I can hold him better than you and three other nurses.”

“I’m not arguing with that…” the nurse said and again tried to read what the Captain was feeling in that moment. She understood that much though, that Levi would not shy away from any kind of task, if it meant taking care that the Commander was…basically being taken care of. He was willing to do the dirty work for them. The nurse wasn’t sure however if it was out of his perfectionist need for things to be done right or because the Captain simply wanted to be with the Commander through it all.

“Don’t pay mind to what that old hag said last night,” she said when they were done eating. “I think that you are an excellent caretaker.”

Levi didn’t know what to reply to that. He was glad she saw that side of him, but oh, if she only knew the other things he did and would do to other people if the one he had dedicated his heart to was in danger…

***

Levi decided that it was best for him to be the one to prepare Erwin for the bath, while the nurse got the water ready. Although he would’ve loved to also shave that unsightly beard that was growing, Levi decided they needed to sort their priorities.

He knew how hospitals dealt with “washing” their patients and just rubbing a wet towel over one’s body did not constitute as good cleaning for him.

When he got in the room, Erwin opened his eyes for a bit and tried to focus his gaze. Levi walked to his side of the bed and squat next to it.

“Hey Erwin…” he said and pushed the blond hair off the Commander’s forehead. Erwin turned his head to him and blinked slowly. “I’ll need you to co-operate with me for a bit. I’m going to give you a bath, okay? Because you stink…”

Erwin puffed out through his nose and a small smile appeared at the corners of his mouth. He tried to swallow, but his mouth was too dry and so he winced.

“Come on,” Levi said and grabbed Erwin by his hand to help him sit up. Not wanting to argue, as even being conscious exhausted him, Erwin let himself be pulled up. He then very slowly turned and put his feet on the floor. His head was bursting with pain and his whole body ached. Feeling nauseous and dizzy, he leaned forward and supported his heavy head in his hand.

Levi remained squat in front of his Commander, waiting for him to be ready.

“The bath is down the hall…” the Captain said. “I’ll support you to get there, okay?”

He avoided saying the word ‘help’ as he didn’t want him to feel humiliated for whatever reason. He crooked his head on a side trying to see if Erwin was even awake. “Erwin…? Are you going to hurl?”

Erwin shook his head and put his hand down, trying to support his body upwards. Levi moved back a bit and then got up to pour some water in the glass from the side table. He handed it to Erwin.

“Drink some water first,” he said in a low voice. Erwin obediently took the glass and took a few generous gulps, but he handed it back to the Captain half full. Levi put it back on the table and squatted in front of him again. “How are you feeling?”

Erwin’s hand moved to grab what would have been his right arm, but he grabbed air. He turned his head to the right to look at his bandaged stump, but Levi grabbed his chin and turned his face back to him.

“Hey….” Levi said in a voice that made Erwin focus his gaze on him. “Can you get up for me?”

Erwin put some effort into it, but managed to stand. Levi was right by his left side supporting him with one arm across his waist and the other holding his left hand from over his shoulders.

“Just lean on me…” Levi said and walked slowly out of the room. He could tell by the way Erwin was moving that he felt weak and probably dizzy. His body was probably screaming to be nourished as it had been almost three days since he had last eaten.

By the time they made it to the bathroom, Erwin was leaning even harder on Levi, making it difficult for the both of them to walk properly.

“We’re almost there,” Levi said feeling for the first time in a few days a pang of pain in his ankle. He almost forgot he was supposed to be injured himself…mainly because he had better, more important things to worry about. They managed to get in the bathroom, where the nurse was pouring the last bucket of warm water. She ran a hand through the tub to even out the hot and cold water and then turned to the pair that walked in.

Levi very carefully led Erwin to sit on a chair next to the wall. Having freed himself from the Commander’s weight, Levi realized that he was also sweating. He wiped his forehead and his upper lip and proceeded to roll up his sleeves high over his elbows.

“Leave this to me,” he said when the nurse seemed to want to go to Erwin. “You can trust me with it…and no, it’s not a bother…and yes, I am sure.”

“Very well then, Captain,” the nurse said wiping her hands on her apron. “I’ll air out the room and change the sheets. I’ll be back with some dry towels.”

Before she left, she gave the Commander a look. He had patiently leaned against the wall behind him and was waiting. The nurse wasn’t even sure if the Commander was usually this obedient of a patient or the fact that the Captain was with him had any effect on his behavior whatsoever. On the other hand, the Captain needed to be there by his Commander’s side. And she had never seen a more patient man before. Some of the older nurses here would never had treated the Commander as caringly and…lovingly as the Captain had.

She smiled to herself and closed the door behind her, leaving the two comrades together.

“Erwin…” Levi said getting in front of the Commander, who seemed to have dozed off. “Hey, don’t fall asleep so fast.”

Erwin slowly opened his eyes again and didn’t look too pleased with his surroundings.

Levi then reached out and began unbuttoning Erwin’s pants, but Erwin’s left hand shot over his hands, seemingly to stop him.

“Levi…” he groaned, frowning as if he had difficulties to see properly.

“Don’t get your hopes up, you geezer, we’re not doing _that_ now,” Levi said mockingly, but amusement clear through his voice. Erwin took his hand away and Levi began pulling off his pants, wondering why no one bothered to change him into some real pajama pants and not keep him in his own filth in these military pants.

“Get up!” Levi said tossing the dirty pants aside. He grabbed Erwin’s outstretched arm and pulled him up. The Commander staggered on his feet, but Levi held him. He held onto him as he guided him to the bathtub. “Big step here…” Levi said and carefully assisted Erwin to sit in the pool of water. The nurse had prepared some sheet on one of the corners of the tub, to hold off Erwin’s wound from getting too wet. They would still have to change his bandages after this.

For the first minute or so, however, Erwin’s whole body was tensed up. He had remained hugging his knees and stared into the water.

“Are you cold?” Levi asked, a bit confused by the Commander’s body language. He tested the water with his elbow and it was fine. Warm and nice. Levi knelt next to the tub, put his hands on Erwin’s shoulder and tried to pull him to lean back, but that only made Erwin tense up even more and grab the edge of the tub to keep himself in place.

Levi took his hand off and just stared helplessly. The sinking feeling of pity and heartache pressed on him again. Seeing Erwin in this unconscious state of fear physically hurt him.

“Erwin…it’s okay,” he whispered and massaged the Commander’s nape. He slowly made his way to his tense shoulders and then down his spine. While Erwin was still hunched forward like that, he used a towel to scrub his back, dipping it in water and splashing it over his shoulders and neck. The water trickled down his chest and noticing that he was ever so slightly loosening up his grip on the edge of the tub, Levi slowly pulled him back again. This time Erwin didn’t resist anymore and he leaned back on the edge. Levi moved behind him to make sure his bandaged stump didn’t hang in the water and began his slow and meticulous process of scrubbing his Commander clean. He started with the neck, moved down to his collarbones and chest. Then his left armpit, shoulder and arm.

During this time Erwin was barely aware of what was happening. The warm water helped his aching body relax and he tried to focus on Levi whenever his face was closer to him, but couldn’t quite manage.

Levi had moved to his bent legs, scrubbing very seriously as this part of the body had been thoroughly neglected.

“I would need a scrub brush for the dirt you have on the soles of your feet,” Levi chided jokingly. Erwin didn’t say anything. He was now propping his head on his left hand.

“You don’t feel that great, do you…?” Levi said more to fill the silence. His cleaning spree had moved on to Erwin’s strong thighs, traveled down to his hips and then groin. Levi luckily wasn’t one to shy away from these kinds of tasks. Right now Erwin’s naked body did not stir anything inside of him…

He himself was now working up a sweat from the laborious work and warm steam. His face had a sheen to it and he wiped his forehead again. He was basically done. He looked at Erwin, who seemed to have dozed off again.

“Hey!” Levi said and Erwin’s eyes shot open, but still looked tired. “Don’t fall asleep on me…not yet…”

Erwin didn’t react, just stared somewhere far off, his eyes heavy lidded. His body was too weak to do anything, his mind too foggy from the lack of proper nutrition and those drugs they used on him. Levi straightened his back and just looked back at him. His shirt was soaked, both from water and his own sweat and so were his pants. Somehow it looked like he had taken a bath as well. He heard the nurse return to them with two dry towels. She asked if she should still assist, but Levi said that he could handle it. The nurse still hung behind, just to be sure. While she wished all her patients were like these two, she was still a nurse and she still had some duties to fulfill. She couldn’t just leave the Captain of the Survey Corps run things there. So she just leaned against the wall, ready to step in, if ever needed.

“Erwin,” Levi said and Erwin turned his gaze to him. “You need to stand now. We can’t leave you here to turn into a prune…”

The Captain took Erwin’s hand and pulled him up carefully. What a mountain of a man, Levi thought as the naked Commander towered over him. Erwin put his hand on Levi’s shoulder to carefully step out of the tub. Levi took one of the towels and wrapped it around his groin.

“Wouldn’t want you walking around here…with _that_ on the loose…you’d scare the nurses,” Levi said in his usual monotone voice and again the nurse wasn’t sure if that would constitute as a joke or not. As he was wrapping the towel however, Erwin seemed to lean on him even more to the point that Levi thought he might faint, so he wrapped his arms around him like a hug, trying to support both of their bodies upwards.

“Erwin!” Levi said trying not to sound alarmed. The nurse moved from her spot to help. “What is it? Are you going to vomit? Are you going to faint?”

“I’m so tired…” Erwin said leaning his cheek atop Levi’s head. That had been his first coherent sentence since the other night when his wound bled out.

Levi didn’t react for a few moments, just holding onto Erwin’s wet body, hearing his heart beat loudly in his chest and feeling pity once again for his Commander. The nurse came to help and she supported Erwin from one side while Levi did so from the other. They slowly made it back to the room that smelled much better and gently sat Erwin down on the edge of the bed. The nurse went to close the window, while Levi wiped off Erwin’s body with another dry towel. During this time, the Commander was obediently sitting still, letting Levi do whatever he wanted around him and to him. And so the Captain pulled on a tank top over his head, undergarments and pants.

“You’re all done now,” Levi announced. “Now’s more like it.”

That being said, Erwin just slumped back on the pillow, glad that he didn’t have to support his heavy head and try to focus his gaze. The nurse came to change the wet bandages and Levi wanted to go change from his wet clothes, when he felt his right hand being grabbed. Turning back around, he saw that Erwin had reached out to hold his hand. He was also looking at him…actually looking at him this time.

“What is it?” Levi said coming closer to him and examining his face for any signs of pain, anger, questions…anything. But Erwin pursed his dry lips and averted his gaze, as if he felt ashamed of something. Levi waited, letting Erwin hold his hand. The nurse was almost done with the bandages.

“I don’t think we’ll get him to eat anything right now…” she said.

“No, not yet…” Levi said watching her dexterous hands move. “But I’m sure he worked up an appetite after this…I think we should let him rest for a bit first.”

The nurse tied a knot to the ends of the bandages and put her hands on her hips. She looked at Levi, who was just standing there by his Commander’s side, holding his hand but looking very calm at the same time.

Feeling that his grip was loosening, meaning that he was falling asleep again, Levi let go of his hand. As much as he enjoyed that moment, he had things to do.

“I want to wash this shirt too,” he said and already started unbuttoning it. “Where do you do the laundry?”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter today and we're getting even closer to the end. I enjoyed writing this part and this is one of those chapters where I felt that the characters (Levi) started having a mind of their own and wanted to steer the narrative in a completely different direction than I intended. I had to take a few good minutes to stare at the page and think things through very carefully bc Levi wanted to do something else than I planned, but alas! I had to pull him back on the course I wanted him to take. Very interesting experience.
> 
> Also abt this chapter, don't forget that it's been a long long while since Levi slept more than an hour or two every night.
> 
> Also also, I have updated the previous chapter with a link to some unfinished sketches if you wanna check it out.

After giving the laundry staff an eyeful of his naked torso, not that the women there minded, while he was washing his shirt, Levi decided to run some errands. Mainly to find out if the Garrison reported back on the evacuees’ situation. Going through the desolate city of Trost, he heard several opinions on how their world was going to shit, while the people in the Capital were living their cushy lives, away from the threat of total collapse and of the Titans that were always scratching away at the Walls.

Having left the Survey Corps to their own tricks, Levi was also cut off from any advancements from their end. The people were very displeased with the Survey Corps, not few feeling that even the Corps abandoned them there and stopped fighting for them. So, Levi avoided visiting Pastor Nick, because he had nothing new to tell him. He went however to meet up with Rico again. She also didn’t have much information though. Pixis was only telling them to stay put and guard the city of Trost as usual for now. One thing new though, was that after a whole day’s search and several units dispatched, they did not find any more Titans within Wall Rose.

“There was one in Ragako,” Rico said “but your guys said that you’re investigating that one.”

 _Hange’s plan_ , Levi thought. Rico gave him a searching look.

“What of the Survey Corps, Captain?” she asked.

“What of it?”

“Where are you guys? I know it was never your job to ensure civilian safety, but you guys just disappeared. People say you are plotting another attack on one of the cities with Eren’s Titan…”

“We’re not. The Survey Corps is in standby while Erwin is out of commission…”

“How nice it must be then…to just press pause and wait for things to settle down…but they are not. The Interior is turning into a boiling powder keg. Commander Pixis says that they will have to release the evacuees very soon, as people are turning restless…Shows just how long we as a people would resist in an actual crisis…”

Levi clenched his fists, but didn’t say anything in retaliation. Erwin would have to wake up to a world of hatred towards the Survey Corps.

“Erwin’s making progress…” he added after a moment of reflection. “He’s going to come round soon and we’re going to move on to the next mission…”

“And you have no idea what that will be, huh?” Rico stung. “Is it true that you got a hold of a member of the Wall Cult and you’re keeping him captured? Is it for some ransom? What are your plans that involve Eren? Did you get some vital information about the Titans or the Walls in the last mission?”

“Gee, Squad Leader Rico, I thought you were above listening to petty gossip,” Levi mocked, not answering any of the questions. For one, he didn’t know himself and also because the information would not be shared with just anyone if he did know more.

“Hey, you came to me for information,” Rico said. “I know as much as you, apparently…”

With that Levi unceremoniously turned to leave. “Isn’t it cruel though…” he heard Rico say when he was opening the door “…how these important men hold all the information and hide it from us…? We just want to help them…”

 

***

Levi returned late in the afternoon to the recovery house. He felt sore and bitter. And seeing that Erwin was still sleeping, even after all this, made him feel angry for some reason. His old mantra of ‘don’t despair’ did not reach him anymore.

“I thought that you left,” the nurse said from one of the chairs. “But then I saw that the coat was still here…”

Levi plopped on the other chair on Erwin’s left side and sighed. “Did he eat?”

“Yes, I let him sleep for an hour then woke him up to eat. He ate everything this time, as you said.”

 _He should be feeling better now…why was he still unconscious_? Levi felt the irritation prickle his skin and was afraid that he might explode right there in front of the nurse.

“Can you leave me with him for a bit?” he asked suddenly. The nurse gave him a confused look. The request was so sudden, it caught her off guard. She wanted to ask why they would need to be alone, especially since one of them was sleeping. A thought crossed her mind, but she dismissed it quickly. She mustn’t think of… _that_ , although she had heard some really mean-spirited rumors about the members of the Survey Corps and the types of relationships they had with one another.

“He’s sleeping right now, Captain…” she said tentatively.

“I know he is. But I need a few minutes with him. Do you think you can do that?” Levi said with a growl. Against her better judgment and because the sudden change in attitude from the Captain intimidated her, the nurse got up and went behind the door to the adjoining room. She would however stick her ear to the door, just in case something weird happened and she had to kick the Captain out.

Levi got up from his chair and sat on the edge of the bed on Erwin’s left side. He looked at his face. That beard was starting to piss him off, mostly because it made him look older and dirty. On the plus side, he seemed to be sleeping peacefully for once. Levi hoped they didn’t give him drugs anymore. He took Erwin’s left hand in his and held it on his lap.

“Erwin…” he said in a low voice. He didn’t want to be heard from the other room, but he wanted Erwin to hear him in his dream state. “I know I should let you rest up and heal properly…but this world is going to shit really fast without you…When you wake up, you will find that everyone hates us and soon they will turn against us. We have to act…fast…that’s why we need you. Erwin–he squeezed his hand– you need to take control. I need you to be the true Commander of the Survey Corps…our true leader…the leader I want to follow…”

He examined Erwin’s face for any signs of hearing what he was saying, but Erwin remained still. Levi gritted his teeth and made a grimace, while squeezing Erwin’s hand harder.

“Erwin! Come back to us! Don’t let Hange in charge…not yet…wake up! Please…”

He realized he was almost crushing Erwin’s hand, because the Commander’s body gave a jolt and he opened his eyes. He looked pained and tired. Levi released his hand realizing what he was doing. They looked at each other for a few moments. Levi wanted to scream to his face to wake up and help them, but he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t be that cruel to this pitiful man…but…god!

Erwin stretched out his hand and cupped Levi’s cheek. Levi closed his eyes as his heart fluttered in his chest at the touch. He yearned for Erwin’s touch so much, it hurt. It hurt him so much he couldn’t bear it anymore. He put his hand over Erwin’s and leaned into his warm palm.

“Levi…” Erwin said in a hoarse voice. Levi pursed his lips and then bit hard on his bottom lip. He couldn’t breathe…

Erwin rubbed his cheek with his thumb. Levi sniffed audibly and leaned forward all the way. He pressed his head on Erwin’s chest, while the Commander gently stroked his hair.

Levi was selfish. The most selfish person within the Walls. Look at him seek comfort when the most important man in his life was suffering on a hospital bed. He knew it, damnit! He knew all of that, but…

“…I’m just so tired…”

***

The nurse paced up and down her room, since she couldn’t hear anything from the other room. After ten minutes, however, she gathered her courage and opened the door.

The Commander was sleeping in the same position as before. The Captain had moved to the window. He put on that oversized coat and seemed deep in thought, his back turned to her.

“Pardon the intrusion,” the nurse said, her eyes fixed on the Captain. He didn’t seem to acknowledge that she had returned to the room. “Are you leaving for the night, Captain…?”

Levi just gripped the fringe of the coat and wrapped it tighter around himself. He didn’t know what to do again. The rational side of his brain told him to meet up with the Survey Corps and get an update on their status…however, it would prove difficult to convince the guards to open the Wall’s gate to go in Wall Rose, because they just had to close the gate _now_! Also if there were any commotion, it would only attract more negative attention to the Survey Corps…people would wonder why they act covertly and at night….also, while the Garrison was closer to the Survey Corps, he didn’t think that they would just let him use the elevators to go over the Wall…if he had his maneuver gear with him, he could just climb over the Wall…but then he still needed a horse to get to the Survey Corps base…

“Captain…?”

His instincts told him to stay with Erwin, even if the Commander was still in his loopy state. Most likely, he didn’t know Levi was there and he probably didn’t even want him there…but the feeling was too strong to push down.

Fear that he was taking the wrong decision started creeping in on him. He hated taking important decisions…that was why he entrusted Erwin with his life…but if Erwin couldn’t decide for him, what would he do? Just never take a decision in his life again?

“Captain Levi…?”

Levi frowned. No, this line of thinking was wrong. He knew he would regret more not being by Erwin’s side when he woke up. Eren and Historia were safe with the Survey Corps, which consisted of many skilled soldiers…if anything had happened to the Survey Corps, he would have found out…but when? When would he have found out? Two days after it had happened?

He felt his skin prickle again. The sun was about to set. It would be long ride to the Survey Corps base and another long one back…but how could he bribe the Garrison people to let him pass without alerting other people?

As the scenarios unrolled in his head, his stomach growled audibly. He had been neglecting his body a lot those past days. He turned around and looked at Erwin. No change. Then he saw that the nurse was there too, staring at him.

“What?”

“You seriously didn’t hear anything I just said?”

He seemed distracted and his eyes were bloodshot. The nurse tried another approach now that she got his attention.

“Let’s get a snack while we prepare the Commander’s supper, how about that?”

Levi nodded and walked away from the window. He took the coat off and put it back on the chair.

“ _I’m sorry Eren…Historia…guys…”_ he though, exiting Erwin’s room to go eat some undeserved food.

 

After that frugal snack, the nurse went to feed Erwin his supper. Levi didn’t want to join this, as he felt that it would have been a bit strange and uncomfortable to watch the Commander be fed like a baby. What a strange feeling that was, though…as he would rather wash Erwin’s body himself than see him so pathetically be fed.

So, he decided to walk around the convalescence house, avoiding any groups of patients or prying eyes. The feeling of uneasiness started to cloud his mind again. He felt remorseful for not trying hard enough to go to the Survey Corps’ base right now, although the risks were higher, now that the gates were more guarded. People feared looters would take advantage of the empty houses within Wall Rose. It was easier to stay put…but it took a bigger emotional toll on him. He hoped Hange carried out some of the experiments planned…he hoped that everyone was okay…if only he could trust someone from the Garrison to relay a message to them…to tell them that Erwin was slowly but steadily coming round…that the people were growing restless and they had to be careful.

Erwin would have had someone he could trust…but Levi couldn’t. He just couldn’t compromise their position, regardless of how ‘close’ they claimed they were to the Survey Corps’ goals. They were holding on to two important assets that might help them in the end.

What was ‘the end’ again?

The main goal was to retake Wall Maria. Eren had to find a way to plug the hole in the Wall. Then there were the enemies that came from beyond the Wall. They might come back to take Eren, so they desperately needed the upper hand this time. For that, they just needed to know more about the Titans and these damn Walls! Why won’t that piece of shit Pastor Nick say something? Why must they be stuck between tight Walls and have people go against them?

Levi sighed and looked up at the Inner Gate of Trost. He had wandered off quite a bit, caught up in his thoughts. He was reminded once again of how useless he was to the Survey Corps without someone giving the proper commands…someone who knew what they were doing.

The sun was going down at a fast pace, submerging the city in darkness. A gust of wind coming through the cracks in the gate sent shivers down Levi’s spine. He’d better move before someone suspected him of loitering.

He hurried his pace back to the convalescence house, the chill he felt earlier settling in his bones, even though it was summer. He grew accustomed to it being a bad omen.

He noticed that the Garrison guards had not returned to their post for a while and he wondered if they had been ordered to resume their usual activity, as if Erwin was a lost cause anyway. Entering the room, the nurse was fluffing up one side of Erwin’s pillow, while the Commander was yet again sleeping.

“How is he?” Levi asked and went to sit on a chair by the side of the bed.

“He ate everything and he used the bedpan. I know these sound like little things, but it’s the little things that we’re looking for,” the nurse said.

“Was he conscious?” Levi asked.

“I’m not really sure…” the nurse said frowning. “He was responsive enough to eat and follow what I asked him to do…but he seemed still very tired and downcast…He did lose quite some blood last night, so he is still kind of loopy. But I'm sure you would’ve been able to tell more than me…”

A moment of silence fell between them as the nurse blushed at her assumptions and Levi just stared at her. He and Erwin never hid the way they felt for each other in front of other people, but they weren’t flaunting anything either. He didn’t feel particularly embarrassed by her remark. In fact, maybe if people acknowledged their bond more, they would just let Levi to his own devices and just stay by the Commander’s side. That was all…he wanted to be by Erwin’s side at all time and have the Commander’s full trust.

“I didn’t mean to be presumptuous,” the nurse said.

“Don’t apologize, you weren't”. Levi said and got up from the chair to stand next to Erwin’s left side. He looked down at his face, crossing his arms to his chest. “How…would you describe his recovery? Is he going to be okay?”

“Of course, Captain,” the nurse said promptly, seeing how depressed Levi looked. “Captain…I have seen people die due to blood loss. The Commander had a tourniquet on his arm that stopped heavy bleeding. I have seen people’s stumps grow gangrene and doctors having to cut even more. People had half their faces bitten off, half their bodies missing…screaming in agony, begging to die–”

The nurse gave Levi a look, as he stared at her, with his eyes wide.

“The Commander is doing wonderfully. His wound is now clean and it is healing nicely. Last night was a little scare…but he is slowly coming round, he’s eating and his organs work fine…”

Levi nodded slowly. Physically, Erwin was doing well. But he hadn’t forgotten what the nurse told him the first night there, that the body and mind were part of a scale that needed to be well balanced at all times...He hadn’t told the nurse about Erwin’s nightmares that distressed him so bad it made his wound bleed. He was afraid to find out how Erwin would feel in this new incomplete body. Would he take it in stride or would he feel repulsed by his own image?

“The Commander’s going to be fine,” the nurse said reassuringly, seeing that Levi was lost in thought again. “Once the physical rehabilitation starts as well–”

“That’s not going to happen.” Levi cut her short, snapping out of his reverie. “There is no time for it…”

“But Captain, he can’t just walk out of the hospital without a bit of training on how to cope with a missing limb-more so a dominant one .”

“There’s just no time for that…” Levi said quietly and looked back at Erwin. He felt lost without his guidance, but thinking how Erwin would be thrown right in the middle of this boiling world the moment he became conscious, made Levi feel once again sorry for his Commander. If only they lived in a world where time was not of the essence and Erwin could recover as much as he wanted before he got back to work…if only there were a way to keep Erwin safe at all times, like they did with Eren.

Levi sighed. He remembered that just a few hours ago he wanted Erwin to wake up for his own comfort. How selfish...

He reached out his hand and brushed Erwin’s hair on a side.

“What do you think of this beard of his?” Levi asked unexpectedly. The nurse raised her eyebrows again, not sure of the Captain’s tone. This man was so hard to read most times…

“Um…it’s...it gives him a different look,” she said timidly, wondering if that was the right answer.

“I hate it,” Levi said in his deadpan voice. “He looks like a hobo…dirty…No, it has to go…!”

“If you say so, Captain Levi,” the nurse said with a smile. “Some women like men with facial hair…”

“I don’t.”

The nurse’s smile faded, understanding now that it was never about what the ladies thought of the Commander’s new look.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you so much for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! As always, they are all appreciated.
> 
> This chapter is a bit shorter, but the next one will be a lot more eventful.
> 
> Getting even closer to the end! Here we go!

* * *

 

 

For a while, the two of them watched over Erwin as he continued to sleep. The ominous feeling did not leave Levi, so he wondered what it would be this time. He felt uneasy as he got lost in his thoughts, remembering- he couldn’t help it- how before his mother died, she had a small period of time when she felt okay. She tried to look after Levi to the best of her abilities only to suddenly and violently fall ill during one night. Levi was sleeping next to her and she started coughing up blood and crying, as she knew that that she wouldn’t make it that time. She held Levi to her chest as she tried to subdue her coughs and kept telling him that it was okay, not to be afraid. He had fallen asleep holding onto her shirt until he woke the next day with her not coughing anymore.

She seemed to be sleeping and just for a brief moment, Levi felt happy that mommy had finally stopped coughing…but there was something odd about her...she was cold and he couldn’t hear her breathe like before…

Levi was so young back then. He didn’t know what death was, he couldn’t understand it properly...but after seeing that his mother didn’t react in any way, no matter what he did or said, a strange sense of quiet and loneliness dawned on him. And then came the fear. He couldn’t stay in bed next to her, her cold stiffness frightening him to the core. He couldn’t run out for help because his existence wasn’t supposed to be known, especially by the man with no teeth. He was hungry and thirsty…

So he got out of bed as fast as he could and stuck his back to the wall. He started crying because he was afraid and his mom was not waking up anymore…He was alone and no one knew he was there…his mommy was gone, her warmth was gone…her love was gone.

Levi blinked as he felt his eyes sting. He though he had pushed those early memories as far back in his mind as possible, but here they were, back to haunt him, back to remind him of what loss felt like…how history could repeat itself.

His heart started beating faster and he got up from his chair to feel Erwin’s pulse under his fingers. He could hear him breathe just fine, but he needed to feel the life in him, to assure himself that Erwin would be fine…

Erwin would be fine. History won’t repeat itself. He won’t let it.

The nurse had dozed off for a few minutes and woke up when she felt Levi’s movement.

“What is it? What happened?” she asked alarmed and already on her feet.

“Nothing…I had a bad dream,” Levi said and retracted his hand. The nurse went over to the Commander’s side and checked his pulse as well, his temperature, the bandages and listened to Erwin’s breathing. She nodded her head as she straightened her back.

“Everything seems okay for the night,” she said looking at Levi.

“Go to sleep.” the Captain said. “I’ll watch over him. I promise I’ll wake you up if anything…”

The nurse pondered a little bit, as last time Levi promised that, he hesitated and announced her only when things degenerated. But considering how careful Levi had been with the Commander these past days, she understood his need to be with him during those moments. Also, it seemed like ever since Levi had returned from his walk outside, he hadn’t taken his eyes off the Commander, as if afraid to miss something.

“I trust you, Captain,” she said. Levi nodded his head once and watched her leave to her room. He pulled his chair closer to the bed and simply started at Erwin’s chest raising and falling. This time he wouldn’t fall asleep. He would watch over Erwin no matter what. He couldn’t sleep anyway…

***

An hour into his vigilant watch, Levi noticed that Erwin started sweating, his head moving from side to side. His breath accelerated and he seemed troubled.

 _Another nightmare_.

Levi stood up and wondered if he should wake him up this time. As Erwin turned on his left side, gripping his right stump and moaning in his sleep, Levi understood that he couldn’t let the same mistakes from the other night reoccur.

“I’m sorry…” Erwin whimpered, his face contorting in pain. Levi couldn’t take this anymore. He didn’t want to ever see Erwin cry and apologize to whoever was haunting him in his nightmares again!

He crouched down, so that his face can be at Erwin’s level and cupped his cheek.

“Erwin..! Erwin, wake up! Wake up, it’s a dream!” He lightly tapped him with his fingers. “Open your eyes, Erwin!”

Panting between his gritted teeth, Erwin opened his eyes, but couldn’t focus on Levi’s face. Levi held his face with both his hands. “Erwin, look at me! It’s Levi! You were having a dream. It was a dream…it’s okay…!”

He frowned, as Erwin gave him a pathetic glance, as if not convinced that the Levi standing in front of him was the real one and not another figment of his cruel imagination.

“I killed them all…and now they’re after me…” Erwin lamented.

“No!” Levi said and his voice trembled at the end. He didn’t want to hear Erwin break down again. “No, you didn’t kill them…it’s not your fault!”

Erwin seemed to protest as he closed his eyes, tears falling down his face and looking ashamed. He put his hand over his eyes, as if to cover his shame from Levi, and sobbed.

“Hey…!” Levi said and stood up. He had to snap Erwin out of his dream. Think…what would he normally do if he had nightmares?

Without hesitation, he kicked off his shoes again, stepped on the bed and plopped unceremoniously behind Erwin. He reached his arm around the Commander and held him tight.

“It’s okay, Erwin! It was a dream.” He said, resting his chin on Erwin’s right shoulder. He took Erwin’s hand away from his eyes and held it. “Stop crying.”

He didn’t want to sound harsh, but he had to make Erwin listen to him. The Commander continued to quietly cry and he struggled to release his hand from Levi’s grasp. Levi let go, just to see what he wanted to do. Erwin’s hand quickly went to grip his stump, but as Levi’s arm was reaching over his torso, in the same place where his right arm would normally be, Erwin gripped Levi’s arm instead. He massaged his bicep and elbow and seemed to try to calm down.

“Your arm hurts again?” Levi asked in a low tone, but still close to Erwin’s ear so he can hear him. Erwin nodded his head and continued to knead Levi’s arm. Levi pressed his forehead in between Erwin’s shoulder blades and let the Commander fool himself into believing that he was relieving the pain. It seemed to work a little bit, as his breath got more regulated and he had stopped crying. Levi didn’t want him to go back to sleep if it meant him having another nightmare.

He had an idea to distract Erwin from his pain.

“Hey Erwin…” Levi said. Erwin stopped moving his hand up and down Levi’s arm as if he heard him. “Remember when you first became Commander? You were given a new office, with a big table and library and shit…and remember how we celebrated? You had this fancy bottle of liquor and you said you bought it to bribe people into telling you things…you said that if you treated people to a drink, they were more likely to loosen up their tongues…and–Levi smiled against Erwin’s back– and I laughed at you, because you didn’t strike me as someone who could hold their liquor. And you challenged me…to drink me under the table...and we wagered on it. You said that if you won, you wanted me to be on your side…no matter what…”

Levi stopped talking for a moment, trying to remember who actually won the gamble, as they both finished the bottle that night, both of them drunk, but neither of them trying to show it.

“I don’t know who won…” he said, his voice reverberating through Erwin’s back.

“Both of us…won…” Erwin mumbled. Levi raised his head and looked at Erwin’s turned face. He could see that the Commander was slowly blinking, meaning that he didn’t fall asleep and was actually listening. “Your wager…was to have me say something about myself…every time we met at night…over a drink…” Erwin said in a hoarse voice.

“I guess we both got what we bet on…” Levi said and held Erwin closer to him. His hand cupped Erwin’s chest, feeling his heartbeat. His body was very warm and every now and then, he moved his feet around, as if to seek a cooler side of the bed. He was going to have a fever again.

Levi sighed and squeezed Erwin tighter. The Commander held Levi by his elbow.

“I wish…” Levi said in a quiet voice, not sure if he wanted Erwin to hear him or not. “I wish there were a way for me to just…take this pain away from you…I’m so strong, but it seems like a total waste…if I can’t _help you_ …!”

He pressed his forehead against Erwin’s back again and squeezed his eyes tight for a few moments. “It…physically hurts me to see you like this, Erwin…” He sniffed and hated himself for showing weakness. “I just want you to be okay…and I know it hurts…”

He noticed that Erwin was very gently running his fingers up and down Levi’s arm that was holding him. How pathetic he was, Levi thought. Even in this state, Erwin still reached out and wanted to comfort _him_. _Him!_

“You’ve done well…my…Levi…” Erwin said in a voice that announced that he would fall asleep very soon.

Levi gritted his teeth and told himself to stop. He stroked Erwin gently with his thumb and turned his face on a side. He noticed that the wound was right next to his face. He had gotten used to seeing it, but…not this up close. He hated himself for feeling even for the slightest moments repulsed. He swore to himself that if he ever felt that again or worse, let Erwin see that he was bothered even in the slightest by the sight of it, he would end himself.

Erwin had fallen asleep and seemed calm. Although he swore he wouldn’t sleep at all that night, Levi dozed off for a bit, as the proximity of Erwin’s body and warmth was too inviting.

***

He woke up soon after, as he dreamt that he was falling head first towards a gaping furnace and he couldn’t stop his fall. Waking up, he realized that it was Erwin’s body that was burning next to him. He was moaning in his sleep, so Levi got up and forced Erwin to wake up as well and drink some water. After he gently helped him lay back on his pillow, Levi refilled the bowl with cold water and dabbed Erwin’s forehead, face, neck and shoulders with a towel. He rinsed and wrung it and then placed it on Erwin’s forehead. He then uncovered Erwin’s feet and let them enjoy the cooler air for a bit.

Fevers had always been a pain in the butt…Levi almost never got sick, but once every few years he would catch some sort of cold and he had a fever too, but he always forced himself not to succumb to it. The veterans mocked him, for he looked like a ghost wandering the corridors of their various Survey Corps bases, until someone–usually Erwin– told him to go to sleep. His body healed fast…faster than usual people. It was a freakish thing if he thought about it, but luckily for him, he never lingered on those thoughts for too long.

As he was sitting on the chair next to Erwin’s bed, he wished again that he could transfer his strength to his Commander…but alas, no such thing was possible. He was stuck keeping a vigilant eye on his condition and checking his temperature every half an hour. He would dab his forehead and face with freshly wrung towels and then return to his chair.

Erwin seemed to be sleeping better. Whenever he would moan or startle, Levi was right beside him to soothe him and cool him off. He would gently caress his cheek or stroke his shoulder and Erwin would return to a calmer sleep.

It was nearly dawn when Levi collapsed on his chair, wrapped in Erwin’s coat. Erwin’s fever had gone down and he was breathing normally. Levi fell asleep watching over his Commander.

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Penultimate chapter of this part! Thank you very much for reading and leaving kudos!
> 
> Yesterday was Erwin's birthday and I've just been thinking about him all day. I drew something if you want to check it out [here](http://someonemb.tumblr.com/post/179036958254/for-erwins-birthday-i-give-you-an-edited-drawing)
> 
> Also there's an Erwin Smith week going on on ,[tumblr](http://erwin-week.tumblr.com/) and I am hoping I can post for some prompts too. Come and check out the amazing talent these people have!

_Ding dong ding dong ding_

With a jolt, Erwin woke up from his coma and sat up in bed. Levi, who was sleeping in the chair to Erwin’s right, also woke up with a start.

“Levi…!” Erwin said panting.

“Erwin?” Levi said unsure how to approach the Commander. He was looking straight at him, gaze focused and determined. He was conscious and he recognized him.

Levi then noticed that the racket filling the room was coming from outside. The large bells were tolling. The sun had barely risen in the sky. Levi went to the window and opened it. He saw that other people were curiously looking towards the Inner Gate of the city.

“The gates have opened!” someone cheered outside. “The evacuees are returning to Wall Rose!”

“What’s happening?” Erwin asked when Levi turned around to him. “What day is it?”

“It’s Saturday, Erwin…” Levi said, trying to maintain a leveled tone, to hide his excitement to seeing Erwin up and aware.

“Saturday…” Erwin said frowning. He winced and grabbed his right shoulder. He looked at his bandaged stump and blinked a few times, as if finally realizing the cause of his pain.

“You’ve been out for almost four days, Erwin…” Levi said, slowly approaching the bed. “Do you not…remember anything?”

Just then, the nurse rushed into the room and was most surprised to see the both of them already alert.

“Commander!” she said in an astounded voice. “You are awake…Did you hear? The gate has finally been opened and the people are returning to Wall Rose and Trost!”

Erwin continued to frown, as this surplus of information was beginning to get difficult to assimilate. He leaned against the headboard and then turned his gaze to Levi, who was looking at him, but not in his eyes, but rather somewhere more to the left of Erwin’s face.

“Levi…” the Commander said in a hoarse voice. Levi felt compelled to take a step closer. The nurse, always so tactful, went to the dresser, to make herself busy with organizing some clean sheets and towels, but her ears were tuned in to hear everything.

“Where are Eren and the little one, Historia?” Erwin asked in a low voice.

“They’re safe…they’re with the Survey Corps…” Levi said in a barely audible voice “…in one of the old bases in the mountains of Wall Rose…”

“The gate has been closed for all these days?” Erwin asked, searching for Levi’s gaze, but he couldn’t find it, as Levi was avoiding to look at him. “Levi, when was the last time you’ve been with the Survey Corps?”

“Almost two days ago.” Levi said. Erwin frowned further and rubbed his forehead. His body felt weak and sore and he had a headache. Levi said he had been out for four days, so his body must be missing on nourishment.

“Only now have the people of Wall Rose returned from the Inner City?”

“So it seems,” Levi said and finally looked Erwin in the eye. “But don’t trouble your tired mind with this…not yet…”

“Levi.” Erwin said in a commanding tone. The nurse stopped her re-arranging of the towels, feeling the tension in the Commander’s voice. She had never been this close to him–the real awake him– before and marveled at his presence, even in his weakened state.

“I want you to return to the Survey Corps base and watch over Eren and Historia. Carry out any necessary experiments with Eren and let me know of anything that Historia might like to share with you. If she hasn’t said anything so far, make sure she does. But don’t be brutal. We need her on our side, if Pastor Nick doesn’t want to co-operate. Do you understand, Levi?”

Levi stared at him for a few good moments. The nurse felt scandalized of the Commander’s attitude towards his most trusted partner. She turned around and looked at the two.

The Captain nodded his head once. “I understand, Erwin.” He walked to the other side of the bed.

“And before you do, announce Commander Pixis that I would like to talk to him when he’s available,” Erwin said.

“I understand.” Levi said again and helped Erwin lay back on his pillow, as the effort of sitting up straight was visible. The Commander didn’t protest. The nurse slowly approached the bed as well, not believing the change in the Captain’s behavior.

Levi arranged the hair on Erwin’s forehead. He also wanted to check his temperature before he left and so he bent down to press a small kiss on it. He slightly lifted his head and looked Erwin in the eye for a brief moment, before leaning once again to press his lips on the Commander’s mouth.

The nurse turned her back to the scene, smiling to herself as she pretended to arrange the coat from the other chair. She felt a blush rising to her cheeks.

This chaste kiss did not last more than two seconds. Levi broke it off and straightened his back. Erwin had taken his hand into his.

“I’m going. But rest assured, I will be back very soon. And don’t get used to that beard, as it has to go.”

Erwin chuckled at that. He didn’t even realize that he had grown a beard. The nurse turned her head to them again, understanding finally that the Captain did make jokes, but only the Commander seemed to appreciate and laugh at them. And yet, there he was, sending his beloved away from him, as if chiding him for having wasted his time on him.

Levi turned to leave, but felt something holding him back by his right hand. It seemed that neither he nor Erwin had let go of each other and so, they stood like that, both with their arms outstretched and their fingers intertwined.

The nurse held her breath without realizing it. She could read the need on the Captain’s face saying ‘let me stay, tell me to stay!’

But Erwin broke eye contact and let go of Levi. His arm returned to the bed. Levi’s brow furrowed and his lips were pursed downwards. He turned to the nurse and took the coat that she was unconsciously still holding in her hand. He put it on and stormed out of the room, not looking back.

After the door got slammed behind him, Erwin sighed and rubbed his forehead.

“How are you feeling today, Commander Smith?” the nurse asked trying to keep a chipper tone, although she herself felt betrayed.

“Like I’ve been chewed up and spat back out…” Erwin said. He put his hand down and looked at the bandaged stump again. He felt repulsed and mesmerized by it at the same time.

“I will have the doctor come and check you up,” the nurse said. Erwin felt her gaze on him, so he looked up at her. She seemed to want to say something, but was fighting with herself whether to say it or not.

“Commander Smith,” she spoke finally, her voice trembling as if afraid to speak in a demanding tone with someone so important. “Forgive me for what I am about to say, but you shouldn’t have chided Captain Levi for staying here with you, sir. If it hadn’t been for him being here with you, sir, I’m not sure you would have recovered so timely. It is true. It was impossible to tear him away from you, sir and he seemed pained to be away from your side. He went back and forth from the Survey Corps here, not wanting to miss anything. He took better care of you than any other of our nurses would have. He was so gentle and careful with you…he helped you bathe and cleaned up your sick, although he didn’t have to. We’re a trained personnel and we knew how to handle it, but Captain Levi wanted to do it all. He soothed you and suffered with you…sir.”

She drew breath, as the onslaught of words had been too much, even for her. Erwin just stared at her, with his mouth slightly opened.

“Please forgive my forwardness,” she said timidly, as she looked down. “I have overstepped my boundaries…”

“No…” Erwin said, looking away as well. “You are right…I was harsh with Levi, although he showed nothing but compassion towards me. I am sure that must have looked strange from the outside...But I am sure Levi understands what his role has to be now and I trust that he would follow it properly…”

The nurse pursed her lips and bowed slightly before taking her leave. She had become too involved in this case.

***

Levi relayed the message to Rico, since Commander Pixis did not return quite yet from the Inner City. After that he rode outside of Trost, past the evacuees, past the guards and all the tension that accumulated within those cramped walls.

But his mind was completely distracted. He knew he had to rejoice the fact that Erwin woke up finally. Wasn’t that what he actually wanted? Why did he feel like that now…like he had just been cast aside, like some sort of peon with zero importance? But then again, what had he expected? Gratitude? Erwin to beg him to stay by his side, when he knew damn well that his main role was to protect Eren and Historia. He had deluded himself that he was actually important for the Commander’s recovery and now he felt ashamed for having been discovered that he prioritized, yet again, his own feelings above the sake of Humanity.

 _Humanity be damned_.

Levi was brought back to reality when his horse had sidetracked, without him even noticing and ran through a thicket, scratching Levi’s face and clothes. He pulled on the reins to make it halt. His black horse–very creatively named Blackie– shook its head and turned its ears back toward Levi. It stomped a bit on the spot, as if nervous or worried that its master was not stirring anymore.

Levi patted its neck. “It’s okay…woah…”

He kicked his heels in and the horse started running away again, this time Levi paying more attention to the road back to the Survey Corps. It was wrong of him to overthink his past actions. The important thing was that Erwin was awake and seemingly ready to return to his duty.

As should he…

***

Levi felt undeserving of the attention he received when he arrived at the Survey Corps base. The kids gathered around him, happy to see him come back and eager for some news. He felt that the little successes he had with Erwin’s recovery would not excite the kids at all…like it did him. So, he led with the main subject: the gate had been reopened and the evacuees were returning to their homes.

“This means that we have to be more careful now that people are coming back. Spies are more likely to get infiltrated and our plans more easily discovered…” Levi said as he was examining the main room they were in, completely unsatisfied with the level of cleanliness. He felt Eren tense up at his side when he ran his fingers over the table’s surface.

“How’s Commander Erwin?” Armin asked. Levi turned around at them and was surprised to see that every one of his little squad seemed interested to find out, even little Historia, who was sitting on a chair farther away from the group, turned her attention to them. Levi felt growing fond of these kids…just a bit.

“He’s recovering well. He woke up from his comatose state this morning…he asked for an audience with Pixis, but I don’t think he would be available too fast…It’s been…some very harsh nights…”

The memory of Erwin’s agony and all the blood he lost and the terrifying feeling that he might lose him overcame Levi for a few moments. He closed his eyes for a second and turned again to the kids, who looked concerned at the change on his face.

“Where’s Hange?” he asked.

“Surveying…” Eren said. “Captain, don’t you want to rest a bit? Lemme show you one of the rooms…”

It must have been very obvious from his face that he hadn’t slept more than a few minutes for almost a whole day, but Levi did not protest to following Eren to one room that was slightly cleaner than the rest.

“Eren…” Levi said taking off his shoes and sitting on the bed. Eren, who went to open the window and wipe any speck of dust with his fingers, turned to look at the Captain. “Did Hange make you do any experiments?”

“Yes, sir.” Eren replied promptly. “We found a cave not far from here and I transformed a few times…trying to harden my body…but I wasn’t successful…”

Eren looked down feeling like he had disappointed the Captain.

“Do you remember anything from during the experiments?” Levi asked, taking off the oversized coat and laying it neatly on one side of the bed.

“Not much…Hange says that with every transformation my titan became tinier and…savage…I only remember the very beginning…”

“Well, that’s not much to work with…” Levi said untying his cravat.

“No…” Eren said and he himself looked disappointed of his failure.

“Did…Historia say anything to you guys so far? Or is she as tight lipped as Pastor Nick?”

Eren puffed. “She barely talks to anyone. She stays around the girls, but she just…doesn’t say anything. I told Mikasa to try to get her to talk, but that only made her avoid us more…never leave sensitive matters to Mikasa…”

“Get out of here,” Levi dismissed him, fearing that he might get angry with Eren pretty soon. And it was far too early for that. “Wake me up when Hange comes back.”

Eren nodded and exited the room, leaving Levi to lay on his back and stare at the ceiling. He had to sleep to be able to function, but his mind wandered back to Erwin, whom he had left behind with a somewhat cold goodbye. He wished he didn’t have to be here, but there with him, even if it meant disobeying orders and damning them all…

_Humanity be damned…._

He tried to remember how these words became like a secret refrain, pushed back every time because it was so selfish and went against what he himself represented: the Wings of Freedom. He had never been a man of the people and humanity did not represent much to him. He never had anyone really care for him and everyone he even cared for either died or was taken away from him. Humanity had never cared for him, when he was young and alone in the Underground, so why should he?

The only person, who changed his views and literally made him see the light had been Erwin. He respected everything Erwin represented and he had dedicated his heart to _him_ , _his_ cause, _his_ beliefs, not Humanity.

He remembered how he let this thought slip one time…when he was alone with Erwin in his room. He felt a chill run down his spine, thinking that Erwin would see it as an offence to his very being. But Erwin laughed, surprising Levi even further…even scaring him a bit, especially when the Commander bent down over him and whispered back to him ‘Humanity be damned!’

Levi understood that night that even Mr. Perfect himself had some very dark secrets in his closet, but instead of making him question Erwin's loyalty, it only made him believe in him even more. My my, Commander Smith was a cunning human being!

A mere human that was being tortured by nightmares and imaginary pain. His heart clenched, thinking of his pathetic Commander. Would he really be okay? He feared speeding up the recovery process. There was no way Erwin could recover fully in just four or five days…but these damn dogs needed him to take control. This could be another way through which this wretched world could torture Erwin some more: throw him back into the hell within the Walls, back to reality, back to the endless need to succeed.

Levi finally felt tired. He had almost fallen asleep, when the front door opened and Hange made a racket, to make her presence known.

***

Despite Eren’s desperate attempts to shush people up because the Captain was sleeping, everyone was loudly carrying on with their tasks. Sash returned from her sentinel shift with a bunch of edible mushrooms and so, many of them gathered in the kitchen and set out to prepare some sort of soup.

“Ah, look, if it isn’t Mr. Ray of Sunshine himself,” Hange greeted Levi as he came down from his room.

“Where have you been?” Levi asked grumpily.

“Around. I want to go to Ragako village with Connie soon. I want to see that Titan myself.” Hange said looking Levi straight in the eye.

“There’s people returning from the Inner City, we need to be more careful. Get more sentinels around…”

“I know…I heard they were coming back.” Hange continued to look at Levi for a few moments. “So, how is he, Levi?”

“He woke up this morning. He said he wanted to meet with Pixis…”

“How’s he feeling though? Can he take the reins back?”

Levi hesitated. “He’s a strong man in his prime. A missing arm would not slow him down…”

“Well, it might slow him down a bit,” Hange said and a flash of amusement shone in her eyes. “How’s he gonna zip his own pants? Are you going to be there _all_ the time, Levi?”

“Shut your mouth,” Levi said trying to sound annoyed.

Later that day, after riding around the premises and keeping an eye out for any unsuspecting visitors, the Survey Corps gathered around the table to eat the food some of the kids prepared.

The mushroom soup was…terrible. But the kids were all eating so hungrily and pleased with their efforts that Levi and the rest had to feign their liking of it too.

As he was waving his spoon in the bowl, Levi noticed that Historia, who was sitting at the other end of the table, was studying him. He didn’t want to look rude for the kids’ efforts, so he took another spoonful of the shit soup and wondered if that might have appeased that piercing glance, but she was still looking at him…as if she wanted to say something.

“Historia…?” he asked and everyone’s attention shifted from him to her. Historia seemed embarrassed by the sudden spotlight and looked down.

“How _is_ the Commander, Captain Levi?” she asked in a small voice. It was Levi’s turn to feel a bit flustered. He had already answered that question earlier when he arrived, and she was there to hear him. Was she asking him to cut the bullshit and open up his heart?

“It was a painful recovery for him, but he pulled through. He is not at his 100% capacity, but it’s still better now than 0% capacity…” Levi answered awkwardly. He couldn’t just confide in these children and make them lose hope…only he had to be witness to the Commander’s downfall into his pitiful despair.

Historia sighed and looked around the table.

“I’m going to tell you all something…I was born in a small farm from outside the Inner City…”

***

Commander Pixis never showed up that day. However, the nurse was content she got the chance to have Commander Erwin as her patient. It was finally she who assisted him with his recovery. Although she was still a bit upset with him for kicking the Captain out like that, she had to do her duty as a nurse.

But Commander Erwin was actually a very quiet and obedient patient. The doctor had been called to check his wound and he concluded that it was healing up properly. There should be no problem with the recovery. The bandages had been changed again and a warm meal was brought in.

The Commander sat up in bed and asked the nurse to let him try to feed himself. His left arm was still weak from lack of activity in the past four days and it proved difficult at first to hold the spoon. But with every attempt he became steadier. He felt glad Levi wasn’t there to see him be so pathetic.

“You know, I used to be ambidextrous,” he said when they took his spoon and bowl away.

“Then you are in luck, Commander Erwin,” the nurse said. “You’ll manage quite nicely.”

“But I haven’t practiced too much in the recent years,” Erwin said slumping back on his pillow. “I am afraid of the little tasks…”

“I am sure you will do well,” the nurse said. “You just need practice. No one was born knowing everything.”

The Commander did not say anything else. His gaze was now far off, looking outside the window. There was a frown on his face, as he seemed lost in thought. Although he had just woken up from his comatose state, he had already jumped back on the saddle and began strategizing.

“You can still rest, Commander,” the nurse said coming to his side and checking his temperature. “If Commander Pixis appears, we will wake you up.”

Erwin slowly nodded, but continued to frown. His hand roamed unconsciously to his bandaged stump. He felt as if his right arm was still there, numb and full of pins and needles. What an odd sensation…he looked down at the bandages. He hadn’t looked when the doctor changed them. He scratched his stump, feeling that the more he scratched, the itchier he suddenly got.

“No, no!” the nurse said taking his hand away. “Don’t do that, sir.”

“Forgive me…” Erwin said turning his eyes away from the wound. “I didn’t realize what I was doing…”

“Rest…there’s nothing for you to do right now,” she insisted. She wondered if Captain Levi had been there, would the Commander listen to his demands better. She wondered if the Captain would indeed come back soon.

Erwin fell asleep soon after, but did not lose his frown. The nurse sat by his side on one of the chairs and began sowing something. The Commander did not seem to have a restful sleep. Soon after, he began moaning. The nurse got up and checked his temperature again. He didn’t have a fever. She realized that she barely got to watch over the Commander sleep before. Captain Levi always dismissed her at night…she felt incompetent for a few moments, as she didn’t know the full history of her patient.

“Commander Erwin…” she said softly and touched his shoulder. It was best, especially when a fever was involved, not to leave the subject suffer through nightmares. It would distress them and only aggravate whatever illness they had.

Her touch seemed to have a bit of an effect, as Erwin's brows unfurrowed a little. She went to sit down again and resumed her sowing. Not long after, the Commander turned his face away from her and sighed audibly.

“Why…have you come to haunt me again…Mike?” he mumbled in a hoarse voice.

The nurse startled and looked at him confused. When she stood up, she could see that the Commander had his eyes opened and was staring at one of the corners of the room. The nurse looked towards where he seemed to be staring, but couldn’t see anyone. Also, Mike? She didn’t know many of the Survey Corps members. Could it be the very tall handsome one that was also very close to the Commander?

“Please forgive me…” Erwin whispered and closed his eyes again. The nurse wasn’t sure how to react. So, the next thing that came to mind was to check his pulse. It was steady.

She carefully went back to sit down, but this time continued keeping a vigilant eye on him until it was time for supper…


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is people, the end of the line (for this part).  
> Thank you so much for reading! I didn't expect people to actually enjoy this, since I primarily wrote it to get it out of my head after so many years of brewing.
> 
> Fanart is [ here](https://www.deviantart.com/larslovesjames/art/Not-Our-Final-Goodbye-762282979) , [here](http://someonemb.tumblr.com/post/166154924644/someonemb-eruri-week-day-4-touch-a-simple) and [ here](http://someonemb.tumblr.com/post/179174126944/a-small-drawing-for-the-final-chapter-of-my-eruri)
> 
> I will leave some notes at the end as well soon
> 
> Enjoy!

* * *

 

 

It was time to be on the move again. Levi was ready to leave as soon as the sun was about to rise. At the same time, Hange gathered a group of three people, along with Connie, the fresh member of Levi’s squad and went off to Ragako village. Hange also promised that as soon as they were done there, she would stop by to see Erwin as well. Eren and Historia were told to stay in the basement until one of the squad leaders returned. The base was in turn guarded from four points by other veteran members from the Survey Corps, plus Mikasa and Jean, the stronger of the new Levi squad.

Levi rode fast, changing course from time to time, just in case someone was on his trail, and he made it to the Walls when the sun had risen over the hills. The traffic to and from Trost had been stabilized, but still, the city was very poorly guarded.

He did not have much new information with him, but Levi was still hurrying to see his Commander. Surely Erwin would start digging for information on that Rodd Reiss and his importance within the Walls. When Levi arrived at the convalescence house, he saw that the Garrison soldiers were there, guarding Erwin’s door again.

“Captain Levi!” the nurse greeted him with a tired smile.

“Morning.” Levi said, but looked at Erwin, who was stirring in bed. “How is he? Did Pixis show up yesterday?”

“I’m afraid not,” the nurse said. “As for the Commander, we made a bit of progress. It seems he was ambidextrous, so the little tasks will not be as difficult as for other amputee cases…”

“Ambi-wh….what does that mean?” Levi asked.

“He can use both his hands to write or do other things easily,” the nurse explained in layman terms. Levi nodded, not sure if he ever noticed Erwin write with his left hand, but he was glad to hear that nevertheless.

He frowned in the very next second and turned around on his heels and opened the door.

“Go get your Commander to come here this instant!” Levi demanded to one of the guards. “The Commander of the Survey Corps requested it!”

The guard did not dare to cross the small Captain and hastily went down the corridor. When Levi returned to Erwin’s room, the nurse got a reminder that there was another side to the Captain that she was afraid to ever cross paths with. She would rather be in his good graces.

“Leave me with him, please.” Levi said and walked to the bed. The nurse nodded her head once and exited the room.

Erwin opened his eyes, when he felt Levi sit on the left side of his bed. He turned on his back and tried to keep his eyes opened.

“Are you really here, Levi…?” he asked in a sleepy and tired voice.

“I’ll always be here…Erwin,” Levi said softly. Erwin slowly blinked and gave Levi a wry smile. He reached out his hand and cupped Levi’s cheek. The Captain leaned into the touch.

“You look so tired…”

Levi scoffed. “I swear, if anyone tells me that again…Just say I’m ugly or something…”

“I’d never say that, Levi…”

“To my face maybe–”

“Levi!”

The Captain gave him a tiny smile. As Erwin rubbed his cheek with his thumb, he had a very strong déjà vu feeling. He had the feeling that he had seen Levi sit like this before…he knew he heard Levi’s pained voice and pleas…felt his touch on his chest…but his mind was so muddled at the time he couldn’t be sure what was reality and what a cruel illusion. But the nurse said that Levi stayed by his side almost all the time. So it must have been true…everything he remembered was true…along with the pain he had caused his most trusted Captain. He watched over him with the utmost care and he never even thanked him properly.

“Levi, I’m so sorr–”

“Commander Pixis is here,” the nurse announced, opening the door suddenly.

Levi got off the bed and stood beside it, as Commander Pixis entered the room, followed by his trusted cadet, Anka.

“Ah, Levi-chan,” Pixis said taking off his coat and handing it over to Anka. “You managed to scare one of my recruits to death with that scowl of yours. Luckily I was already on my way here…”

Levi exchanged a quick look with Erwin, who was sitting up in bed. He then went to the other side of the bed to sit on one of the chairs, leaving the other for Pixis. Anka was content with standing by the wall.

***

Hange made an appearance not long after Commander Pixis came. She brought Connie along and exposed one of the wildest theories ever heard within the Walls.

“So you’re saying that the Titans are actually people?” Erwin asked. He felt as if a light that was about to be extinguished had been rekindled with the force of a thousand fires. He did not hear what Hange or Pixis said afterwards…

His heart was pounding in his chest, he could feel it beat in his ears…his mind was buzzing. There it was…that _truth_ that he had dedicated his heart to prove to the world, to prove to this cruel cruel world that _he_ was right and that _they_ had condemned a poor soul to die simply for knowing the truth…

“Erwin…oi, Erwin!”

Suddenly the fog he had engulfed himself in had evaporated. The people in the room were staring at him. Levi’s confused expression made him feel like someone ran a dagger through his heart.

“The fuck you smiling about?” Levi asked brashly. Erwin blinked and looked down. He must have made a weird face without realizing it…

“It’s nothing…” he said, massaging his shoulder. There was a lingering pain in his stump that he tried to ignore.

“Seriously now…you’re a creep!” Levi said crossing his legs and continued to examine his face.

“Hah…I’ve been told before…ever since I was a kid…”

Levi hesitated for a second. “Is that the real reason you joined the Survey Corps? You were too creepy to be let loose on the streets?”

“Heh?” Hange interjected, feeling that her two companions had derailed into topics only known by themselves…like one of those tightly knit couples shielding each other from external interference.

“Oh, gimmie a break, Levi…” Erwin said, the corners of his lips curving into a smile. “I’m so tired right now…do you not have any pity for an old cripple like me?”

“Well…you are quite pitiful right now…” Levi said also with a small smile, meaning that it was all in good humor. A small moment of banter, like before…as if none of all this happened.

 _But all this did happen_.

Levi did not forget those horrendous nights of pain and anguish by his Commander’s side. How could have Erwin gotten over those torments so easily? He studied his face from the sideline, as he engaged with Pixis and Hange in what the next course of action would be. Something had changed in him…he was lively and seemingly eager to start thinking out plans. He seemed to have decided for himself that the time to lay around was to end. Was he really feeling okay, though?

Not long after, Commander Pixis took his leave. After that, Hange stayed for a bit to inform Erwin of Rodd Reiss and the story Historia had told them. Erwin thanked her, vowed to Connie that they would get to the bottom of this mess and avenge his family and then waited for them to leave as well.

Levi stayed.

Erwin nodded his head, his mind going at 100 miles per hour thinking and overthinking the next course of action. Unconsciously, his hand roamed to his bandages and started scratching them.

“Hey!”

Levi was standing by his side and stopping his fingers from scratching away at his wound.

“Forgive me,” Erwin said, taking his hand out of Levi’s.

“How are you feeling? You seem…different,” Levi said tentatively.

“I know what we have to do next,” Erwin said and pulled the covers off himself. He sat on the edge and got up.

“Oi…” Levi said and was right by the Commander’s side when he staggered on his feet and almost keeled over. He grabbed onto Levi to support himself upwards. Levi held him tightly.

“Where do you think you’re going so fast?” the Captain asked.

“Levi…we have to start moving…” Erwin said closing his eyes tight, as his whole body felt numb from the head rush. He was regaining his vision, when the door opened and the nurse walked in.

“Captain, I forgot to give you these–” she said and suddenly stopped when she saw the scene before her. “Commander Erwin, what are you doing? Get back to bed!”

“I’m sorry….what is your name?”

“Jaqueline. Jaqueline Tannenbaum, sir.”

“Jaqueline…” Erwin said as Levi guided him to sit on the edge of the bed. “I cannot repay you properly for your patience with me, but it is time for me to get back to my job.”

“But not right now! You have literally just woken up from your coma. You _need_ more time to recover, sir. At least a few more days…”

“It’s like I said,” Levi interfered. “We do not have time. The fate of Humanity lies on who makes the first move….and this time, it will be the Survey Corps.”

He gripped Erwin’s shoulder when he said that and the Commander gave him an appreciative glance. The nurse pursed her lips, looking at the two. It became clear that they stopped being her patients and she had to treat them for what they really were: the Commander and the Captain of the Survey Corps. She was a mere nurse in the grand scheme of things.

She took a deep breath. “Very well. I see you are quite decided…but I will have to make you sign a form to attest that you are leaving against medical advice.”

“Very well,” Erwin said. The nurse nodded her head once and was about to leave, but then she remembered why she came there in the first place.

“Right…Captain, your shirts are dry.” she said and placed the two clean shirts on the bed. Then she left to get the form from the doctor.

Levi went to examine the shirts, as he too had forgotten all about them. He saw, completely surprised and pleased that they managed to take out the blood stains from his shirt. He changed into it and the other clean one he put it on Erwin.

“I knew why I brought two with me,” he said as he was buttoning the shirt. Erwin tried to button up the last two buttons, but it proved too complicated a task for now. Levi took over for him, neither of them saying anything, but Levi felt Erwin’s shame for not being able to do it himself. He was so hard on himself…

“Where do you actually want to go right now, Erwin…?” Levi asked.

Erwin looked up at him. “Just home for now. I’d like to check if I have some information in my books about the noble families within the Walls.”

“And if you don’t?”

“I’ll have to go find out. Myself.” Erwin said with a determined voice.

Levi’s eyes lingered on his for a few moments. He knew that that was one of those moments when he had to ignore what his instinct told him and put his trust in Erwin’s judgment. As he always did.

The nurse returned shortly after, holding a note board and a pen. “Just sign that you are aware of going against medical advice,” she said handing the papers to Erwin.

Erwin held the note board and pen, but seemed troubled for a moment of how to actually proceed. Levi stepped in and held the note board for him, while he awkwardly held the pen.

“Are you sure of this, Erwin?” Levi asked in a quiet voice and examined Erwin’s face carefully.

“Yes, Levi.” Erwin said promptly and scribbled his signature on the forms. His elegant signature was gone…just like a part of his body…and a part of his soul. He took a deep breath and handed Levi the pen, who in turn handed them to the nurse.

The nurse looked sad, as she took the forms away. She was looking at their feet, but when she lifted her gaze, she gasped.

Levi held his clenched fist over his heart and looked her dead in the eye. “Thank you for your great service…nurse Jacqueline.”

The nurse covered her mouth with her hand as tears formed in her eyes. Even Erwin was surprised, as Levi never saluted _anyone_.

The nurse saluted them both and with tears in her eyes, she said goodbye. She had grown to care for the two very much and felt nothing but pride seeing that the man she helped care for was walking out of the hospital supported by his most loyal Captain.

***

They took a carriage back to Erwin’s place in Trost. Once there, Levi supported Erwin up the stairs and inside. He was not content with the state his place was in though. Dust covered all the surfaces and the air was stale.

“Damnit, should’ve prepared this place for you first,” the Captain complained.

“It’s fine, Levi.” Erwin said and wanted to take a seat on the bed, as he was quite tired already, but Levi stopped him. He had him standing until he took a rag, wet it and wiped off one of the chairs. Only then he told Erwin to sit.

“I’m sorry Erwin, but I have to clean this place up. I can’t leave you like this.”

“You don’t have to, but do what you have to do,” Erwin said fondly, even though his head was throbbing from pain. Levi took off the oversized coat, hung it nicely, rolled up his sleeves and began cleaning up. He demanded Erwin to stay by the open window, out of his way. He gave him the books he asked for and left him reading, while he busied himself with cleaning the sheets on the bed, sweeping the floor, wiping the dust off everything and so on.

An hour and a bit since he started, he was all sweaty, but seemingly done. He saw that Erwin was supporting his head with his hand and seemed to have dozed off in the sun.

“Erwin…come lay down now,” Levi said, touching Erwin’s shoulder. The Commander opened his eyes and frowned from the sun and the headache that didn’t leave him at all.

“Did you find anything?” Levi asked guiding Erwin to the bed.

“No…but I fell asleep…” Erwin mumbled dissatisfied.

“You should have waited another day, Erwin…” Levi said in a low voice, but Erwin shook his head disapprovingly. “Fine then. Get some shut eye. I’ll get you something to eat, okay?”

Erwin lay in bed and picked up another book from the pile nearby. He watched Levi change out of his sweaty shirt and took one of his. He sketched a smile.

“You took my coat…” he said in a playful voice. Levi threw him a quick glance and left to get some food, but couldn’t help his smile when he closed the door behind himself.

***

“Trost is in a deplorable state…”Levi said later, when he had returned from his errands. He and Erwin were sitting at the table, eating and drinking tea. “Sorry I couldn’t get you anything better than military rations…”

“It’s fine,” Erwin said slowly munching on the ration biscuits. “They go well with the tea you make.”

Levi accepted the compliment and took a sip from his cup. He missed drinking tea so much…

They talked about Rodd Reiss and his role in the story. So far, Erwin did not find any important information in his books, other than a family tree and a list of properties.

“So, you want to go to the City?” Levi asked.

“Yes. I’ll go right in the middle of things, see what those ‘higher ups’ have to say. Pixis did say that I was summoned to appear before them within three days of my recovery.”

Levi pursed his lips and stared at the bottom of his teacup. “Then we have to do something about that hobo beard of yours.”

Erwin laughed and ran his fingers over his thin mustache and beard.

“You look like that slacker, Nile,” Levi mumbled and got up from the table, picked up the cups and gathered the crumbs from their frugal meal. Erwin got up as well. He began unbuttoning his shirt, as Levi went to wash the cups.

“You really don’t like Nile, do you?” Erwin said amused, as he struggled a little with the buttons. It was however easier to unbutton his shirt than button it up.

“Annoying rat…” came Levi’s mean remark from the bathroom this time, as he was gathering the necessary things to help Erwin shave.

Erwin chuckled to himself and shrugged the shirt off. He threw it on the bed and his eyes caught a glimpse of his reflection in the large mirror hung on the wall across. He moved to be right in front of it and stared into his own blue eyes for a moment. That beard did make him look haggard and older. His hair was a mess as well and…

His eyes wandered off to the missing arm. His shirt helped him forget about it for a bit, but now, as he stood in front of the mirror wearing just a tank top, the image before him was… _grotesque,_ he thought.

He felt his skin around the bandages prickle and itch. He felt too disgusted to touch it, and yet he could not tear his eyes away from that deplorable reflection. It was slowly dawning on him that his arm had been cut off. _He_ had to cut his own arm off to free himself from the Titan’s teeth.

His eyes glazed over and he felt like he was being submerged under deep and muddled water. Then he remembered vividly the beautiful colors of the sunset and the loud thump-thump-thump of the Titan’s feet as he was being carried away from the target. Eren was right there, he could see him clearly and yet he was being taken away…farther and farther away…people were screaming his name and for a moment he understood that that was his end. He would die without realizing the truth.

 _No!_ Damn him if he just let himself die in that place, that pathetically! With a clear mind, he summoned all his physical and mental strength and turned the blade he had in his left hand to his right shoulder.

His whole body shook remembering the white pain, his own scream of agony and then the fall, as he freed himself and then someone cutting down the Titan that bit him… _too late_ …

His present self startled violently when he felt two arms wrapping around his chest and holding him tight. His gaze began to focus again and saw and felt that it was Levi holding him from behind. He could feel his forehead pressed between his shoulder blades.

“Please…” he heard Levi whisper and he tried to regulate his breath. His body was covered in cold sweat and he couldn’t remember how Levi even got there or what he was saying.

The tore his eyes away from his reflection and put his hand over Levi’s.

“Forgive me…I zoned out there,” he said in a raspy voice. Levi let go of him and he turned to look at the Captain. Levi had such a mixture of confusion, fear and pity written all over his face, that Erwin felt bad for making him worry like that.

“Erwin…listen to me! You have lost an arm…but you are still _alive_ and you still have your wits about you…this...this does not represent everything you are....just, don’t give up on yourself!”

Erwin just nodded his head and went to sit at the table. Levi approached him hesitantly, as if still afraid he might zone out again. Erwin rubbed his forehead, hating himself for losing it in front of Levi like that. He saw then that the Captain had brought the necessary things for his shave.

“Are you going to help me with…this…?” he said gesturing at the instruments and the bowl of water.

“Yes…” Levi said and began the process. He wiped Erwin’s face with some water, then used the fluffy brush to cover the hairs with soap. He covered the lower part of his face, lips and neck and then took the knife and examined the sharpness of the blade.

Erwin never had anyone shave him before. If this were anyone else, he would be a bit apprehensive about that person’s ability to use a knife so close to his neck. But this was Levi. Erwin just followed the Captain’s moves with this eyes, as he stood still. Levi had a concentrated look on his face, but at the same time, he looked so very sad. This wasn’t Levi’s usual scowl; Erwin could read the concern and pain that was written all over his face.

All because of him. Levi had grown so attached to him that he had suffered just as much pain as he had those days. And he continued to worry him with the way he behaved and with him trying to push him away at times.

Erwin suddenly put his hand over Levi’s, making him stop and look him in the eye.

“What is it?” Levi asked, so close to his face. Still concerned, still exhausted.

“Levi…I am so sorry…”

“Wha–”

“For everything that happened. I am so sorry for making you worry for me…I am sorry for not remembering you during my convalescence. You took such good care of me and I dismissed you like a dog…”

“Erwin…”

“During those days I wasn’t…very much there. I felt like I was being dragged through a veiled world...the shadows of the people I’ve sent to their deaths were constantly there with me…accusing me and just…staring at me as I wandered around blindly…I was screaming out for…you or anyone to save me…and every time you appeared and gave me your hand, they pulled me back away from you…ripping out my arm and ripping me to shreds… but I never died…they just pulled me further and farther away into the darkness…and into the pain...”

“Shh…” Levi said, pressing his forehead against Erwin’s. It all made sense to him now…to whom Erwin kept apologizing and why he was crying in agony. His heart broke for him.

“I can’t have you go so early…” he said, but Erwin shook his head, making Levi pull away.

“We have to do this, Levi…”

“But who’s going to take care of you like this?”

“Levi…!”

Levi didn’t protest anymore, as both of them were stubborn as mules and the arguments would go nowhere. So he resumed the shaving. He had difficulty keeping his hand steady for a few moments…right when he was doing Erwin’s neck. He then noticed a thin white line, a scar on the right side of his throat. He stared at it for a moment and remembered that he had been the one who gave him that scar…back when it all began and his rage clouded his mind, ready to end this man’s life for the pain he thought he had brought him. That was also the day Levi felt the strongest clarity of mind though, after staring into those hypnotizing fiery blue eyes and the light literally falling on his blond hair, setting the fire in his chest ablaze and making him understand that his new role on that Earth was to follow this man, this beacon of light and hope until the very end.

That small memento helped Levi steady his hand and clear his mind. He understood once again what his role was in that story.

After he was done with his task, he combed Erwin’s hair the way he liked it and couldn’t help but take a moment to admire his work.

“Now that’s more like it,” he said wiping off his hands.

“Thank you, Levi.” Erwin said and looked outside the window. The sun was setting fast. He got up from the table.

“Levi.” he said in a serious tone. Levi turned to look at him and understood very quickly that the moment came. His insides were screaming in protest and he gritted his teeth.

Erwin came closer to him and put his hand on the Captain’s shoulder.

_Don’t say it…_

“We need to move. I will go in the City next thing tomorrow morning for my hearing. I need you to move out tonight. Go back to the base to Eren and the rest. I will send envoys with every bit of information I get and I will try my best to prevent you guys as soon as possible if you are in danger. Levi, I want you to _promise me_ that you will prioritize Eren and Historia’s safety above all. Without them, this won’t work…”

“What do you want to do, Erwin?” Levi asked, trying to prolong the moment for as long as he could.

“We’re going to attack from the inside this time. The tables have turned and it seems that humanity might be our next enemy…”

Levi stared at him, admiring his determination and power. He could feel his heart pounding in his ears.

“Do you promise, Levi?”

“…leave it to me, Erwin.” Levi said finally. Erwin nodded his head once and took his hand off his shoulder, as a cue for their departure. And yet, Levi was still waiting…

“What is it?” Erwin asked, not understanding why Levi was looking at him like that. Levi searched his gaze and then smiled.

“My god, Commander…how cruel…”

With that, Levi turned on his heels, took the coat from the hanger and was about to leave. Erwin processed the signals he received from Levi at top speed, confused by the Captain’s words, until it hit him.

“Wait, Levi…!”

Just when he turned around to him, Erwin was already in front of him and pulled him into a deep kiss. Levi sighed against his lips and responded hungrily.

“This is not goodbye, Levi…” Erwin whispered, keeping his eyes closed and his forehead pressed against Levi’s.

“It better not fucking be…” Levi replied. They pulled away from each other and with one last look, Levi opened the door and left into the night.

 

The End

* * *

 

 

 

N/A: You can find me on tumblr where I mainly post my art [here](http://someonemb.tumblr.com/) 

If you want to check out the music I've been listening to while writing this, here's a list (mostly angsty stuff). I've also mentioned these on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/Mihaella_Ella25) account

[My Last Breath- Evanescence](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCI99p02ayU)

[Taking Over Me-Evanescence](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMkWGoI-GpY)

[Until It Sleeps- Metallica](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JVcbVeMnt8)

[Bleeding Me-Metallica](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftV_XepIwpo)

[Call of Silence-AOT OST](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtguFyOdj2g)

[My Heart is Broken-Evanescence](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1QGnq9jUU0)

[Missing- Evanescence](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_mU-Z-bKbw)

[Lullaby- Blackfield](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yKNyrI3hbg)

[Pain- Blackfield](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNiaQqrbfv4) 

[The Unforgiven 3- Metallica](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3m6et00DfQ)

and of course the whole of this  [Attack on Titan Season 2 OST](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zzKUXW930w)

and many many more.


End file.
